Beards? Who needs beards?

While Sidney Crosby is spending the spring growing that pathetic excuse for a playoff beard to go along with that horrendous child molester 'stache, the Chicago Blackhawks are preparing a sartorial onslaught the likes of which have never been seen in the long and storied history of the NHL.

Beginning with Joel Quenneville's moustache. You'll not find a finer crumbcatcher anywhere in hoockey. In fact, it is one of the truly great moustaches in the Windy City, a city known for gifted men with fearsome lipdusters.

Then the Captain, Jonathan Toews. One can fully expect that he will once again strike fear into opponents' hearts with his Wolverine sideburns. Unless he decided to switch it up and go with the Tim McCracken muttonchops, these will be, by far, the finest sideburns the NHL has seen since Phil Esposito's heyday in Boston.

If you wish to be a traditionalist, there will be beards. The Hawks' more hirsute individuals, such as Andrew Ladd, Brent Seabrook, and Adam Burish can probably get a good underbrush going between the first and second periods of Game 1.

But Patrick Kane now overshadows them all. Rather than wait for HOCKEENIGHT or Second City Hockey to roll out the RALLY MULLET, Kane has taken it upon himself to bring the RALLY MULLET onto the ice himself.

Now that Kane is rocking the vintage Hockey Hair, why not resurrect the Scorpions' "Rock You Like A Hurricane" as his goal music?

Also, is it any coincidence that Jaromir Jagr's production fell off once he cut his mullet off?

No, Kane knows the stuff of legend. Don't think he won't ring up a Hat Trick, jump into his Zubaz pants, pop some Whitesnake into the tape deck, and just roll out of the United Center in the Limited Edition Blackhawks Camaro?

Damn right he will. You can bet your ass that somewhere, Tawny Kitaen is wishing she was 20 again too.

FEAR THE MULLET!!!!!