If you head down to the United Center tomorrow night, you'll find this in the Committed Indian. Because if you head down the the UC, you buy one, right? RIGHT???

After Sunday's Game 3 debacle, I'm pretty sure our pal Sam Fels (Publisher & Ringleader of the Committed Indian) thought he was done until the Opener. Yet, here we are, with him hawking another issue next to the guy wearing the sandwich board that says "THE END IS NEAR - REPENT!" . I shit you not - that guy is out there.

Anyway, here's my contribution, and thanks to Sam for being kind enough to indulge me.

AN OPEN LETTER TO RAFFI TORRES

 

Dear Raffi:

 

Thank you. Thank you for being the penisloaf we all knew you were. Now I know the faithful in Vancouver are still in that “getting a bad rap” stage, but having caught your act for a couple years in Columbus, not to mention the years as an Oiler, we’re all used to it.

Because you’re a world-class jagoff, you decided that the one Blackhawk who was actually playing physical hockey, Brent Seabrook, needed a scalp massage from your elbow. Seabs actually gave it a try before being sent to the quiet room, but the damage had been done.

What you didn’t know was that the damage was to your own team. As Admiral Yamamoto said after the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor (another sneak attack), “I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve."  You did what Joel Quenneville couldn’t do all year – you fired up the Stanley Cup Champions.

One elbow to his bro’s head was all it took to transform “Fucking Duncan Keith” back into Duncan Motherfucking Keith. He’s playing like the Gold Medal/Norris Trophy/Stanley Cup winner we saw last year. Marian Hossa is wide awake now too.

Oh, and those two weird bookend-looking guys on your team? I’m sure they’re grateful that the shuffling of Blackhawks personnel resulted in Dave Bolland’s return. All he did was drop 4 points on your ass in his first game back.

Oh, speaking of the Blackhawks and scoring. It’s nice to see your goalie once again folding like origami.

Fortunately, you won’t give the Hawks the opportunity to let bygones be bygones. Thursday night you tried going knee-to-knee on Ben Smith. By the way, have I mentioned how much I like that kid? He’s like the toilet paper in the United Center…rough, tough and doesn’t take shit off anyone.

Hell, you’ve even made it fun to see the Murdersaurus out there. Usually it’s painful to see John Scott on the ice, as watching him try to handle the puck is similar to watching a monkey try using tools for the first time, but it gets a lot more fun with a 5 goal lead. Besides, it’s fun to watch Kevin Bieksa’s balls shrink 3 sizes every time Scott’s out there.

In short Raffi, thanks for giving us our Chicago Blackhawks back. This is the team we held a parade for, and this is the team that will have earned a standing ovation following their last game, whether it’s with a trophy or the shitty end of a handshake line.

Your pal,

Fork