"Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man?" - Sheriff Bart

There's no easier way to tell when an NHL general manager heard the phrase "or else" from ownership than to see said GM do something completely batshit in order to "win now" despite all logic dictating this won't happen.

Columbus Blue Jackets GM Scott Howson clearly heard the thunder from above, as he sent Blackhawk-killer Jakub Voracek and the 8th overall pick from this summer's draft (which became studly center Sean Couturier) to Philadadelphia for All-Star center Jeff Carter and his massive contract (cap hit of $5.27 million until 2022), then threw $5.5 million a year until 2017 at defenseman James Wisniewski.

Now, these might be decent pickups for a team looking to plug a hole or two in order to make a deeper dive into the playoffs than they did last year. But this is the Columbus Blue Jackets. Nothing short of a smallpox outbreak involving 5 or 6 teams in the Western Conference gives them a fighting chance at the postseason. This is a very bad hockey team.

If this team were a band, it would be Nickelback. If they were a haircut, they'd be fauxhawks with frosted tips. If they were pizza, they'd be from Chuck E. Cheese. Am I being clear enough here?

If there's any bright side here, they should see their offense improve from...well, they'll have an offense. Last season they were 24th overall in offense, and 29th on the power play. Now they can aim high...maybe even soar into the high teens. That defense? Last year they were 26th overall, and their penalty kill was 22nd. Those won't get any better.

Look at this picture of Carter and Wisniewski...are the Blue Jackets trying to make the playoffs, or win "Tool Academy"? This will be the most brotastic team in the NHL. Even with Captain Rick Nash looking like he's one Bob Evans breakfast away from winning a Larry The Cable Guy lookalike contest.

Nash can score goals. In fact, last year he accounted for almost 15% of the BJs total goals. Throughout his career, people have wondered what he'd be capable of with an honest-to-God center...this year there will be no excuse. Carter is the best center Nash has skated with in the NHL. Anything less than a run at the Rocket Richard Trophy will be a disappointment.

Back to the defense. They just paid an assload to Wiz, and the guy ain't exactly Niklas Lidstrom in his own end. He'll be paired with Fedor Tyutin, which won't give any goal scorers night sweats. In the net you have Steve Mason, who finished his second straight year of over 3 goals per game allowed, and a dismal .901 save percentage. That tied him with Matthieu Garon (his teammate last year) for 36th in the NHL. Woof.

Hopefully their offense gets asses into some of those 4500 empty seats that Nationwide Arena sports each night. But that defense won't get them out of fifth place in the Central Division.

I also don't think it'll keep Howson or Coach Scott Arniel employed until the season ends.