Right On Time Here's the Other Shoe: Blackhawks 3, Blues 1

The Chicago Blackhawks finally returned home and what a way to come back. After setting the city's hockey fans into panic mode for the better part of two weeks, they managed two very solid road wins against the Rangers and Blue Jackets. Waiting for them were the white-hot St. Louis Blues who not only don't lose very often, they don't give up goals very often either. They had 12 shutouts coming into this game and it's no coincidence that a Ken Hitchcock team is stringing together some of the stingiest defensive hockey performances in recent memory. However, as we all know, every time the Hawks and Blues get together it's bound to be full of nastiness, hatred and generally some pretty good drama. Through two periods, none of those things were the case. 

If the aim of the St. Louis hockey club is to set back entertaining hockey half a century than I have their shiny medal right here [POINTS TO VERY OWN DICK]. At the start of the third period, when I started writing this, these two teams celebrated Hockey Day in America by ensuring that everyone watching this game would ignore the sport for the rest of their lives. 

Hey America - this is why you ignore hockey. We're just making sure you remembered. And now more NFL offseason talk!


- The Blackhawks managed to hang in there despite being strangled to death for the majority of the first two periods. The Blues had been 25-1-1 with a lead going into the third period and the Blackhawks deslumbered themselves just in time. 

- Duncan Keith. A goal, an assist, a plus-three and 28 minutes of ice time. That's our guy. 

- Dave Bolland woke up to score the go ahead goal and was on the ice for two goals in total. Bolland spotted Patrick Kane across the goal mouth and the pass found David Backes' stick and went in the net. It was sweet. 

- Physically, for those who are super into that shit, the Hawks answered the bell with 30 hits to St. Louis' 26. The end of the game was marred with with a Davis Payne Era dick measuring contest that saw the Hawks and Blues exchange pointless slashes and cross checks. It culminated in Ryan Reaves finally having to face John Scott in the Worthless Human Being Title Fight of the Century. Scott probably won but they both fell down after which Reaves punched Scott in the back of the head like I used to my brother when I was fucking five years old. Ryan Reaves: pure shit. 

- Marian Hossa gained possession as soon as Brian Elliott abandoned the St. Louis net as the Blues pushed for a late equalizer. As he contemplated whether to pass it out of his own zone, he saw that no one was open and decided to fire the thing into the net from about 6,000 feet away. Hossa is awesome and you are not. 

- Corey Crawford was wonderful today. He's been great over the last three games and I hope he's taking over this job so Q can ride him down the stretch and leave Emery holding the door. 

- I am developing something of a crush on Dylan Olsen. He's a bad, bad man and when he shakes off some of the green, wow. I am excited. At one point, known penisloaf Ryan Reaves hit him with all of his might and Olsen just stared at him like someone left Granny's porch door open. At that moment, Ryan Reaves longed for the safety of the dumpster behind the Purina building he was born in. 


- The first two periods were ice cold dogshit in a waffle cone. The only person on Earth that would enjoy something like that? You guessed it: Ryan Reaves. 

- I'm actually surprised the Blues didn't come out to start the third period with five of their biggest guys just surrounding the net and waiting out the horn. Of course, since one of those guys would be Ryan Reaves, the odds are pretty good he would have tripped over his own stick and headed the puck into his own net because he's dumber than ten Kardashians. 

- Ryan Reaves pays for horse porn.


- I miss Davis Payne because under him the Blues were an unstructured mess. All the Hawks had to do was wait for them to self-destruct and reap the benefits. Now they're playing in lockstep like a North Korean infantry unit thanks to Planet Hitchcock and his brilliant strategy of promising to deep fry and eat the skin of any player who dares to step outside his carefully built structure. Back check or you'll die in Hitchcock's industrial deep fryer. It's written on the Blues' white board before every game. 

All of this makes for a very results-oriented style bereft of any soul or joy. Some people might take pleasure in watching a team employ the hockey version of parking the bus but that person isn't me and it certainly isn't most Hawk fans. Despite the Ambien on Ice, having the Blackhawks and Blues both be good at the same time has revived a wonderful, historic rivalry between two midwestern cities. Well, ok one city and one town that at its busiest looks like the opening credits from The Walking Dead. But hey, try the Steak n' Shake, it's fucking great. 

Next up the Blackhawks take on the Detroit Red Wings who have not won 23 straight games on the road. Another huge division game for the Blackhawks. I'll be there. Go Hawks. 


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