THE TAINT NUGGET SAGA: Part 1 - The Nugget Takes Shape

Last year the Chicago Blackhawks introduced a new element into the United Center Experience when they introduced a rock band to play during stoppages in play.

When the band first started, nothing was known about them. As time went on, people were becoming more curious, usually by saying, "Jesus, who the fuck are those guys?"

As our anniversary gift to you, our readers, we now bring you the true story of how Taint Nugget came to be - from their humble origins to their meteoric rise to mediocrity...


The story of Taint Nugget starts as so many of these do, with friendship. Stan "Skid Mark" Wodnicki and Barry "Bitch Tits" Siegel were in remedial wood shop together at Chicago Vocational School. They became fast friends, working together to make a sanding block in only one semester, gaining a D- for the class. They became inseparable, even managing to get stuffed into adjacent hall lockers on a regular basis.
 
After school, these boys would spend untold hours together, stealing weed from Stan's older brother and Midori from Barry's mom. In between ass kickings from said brother and mother, they would sit in front of a television and watch "Happy Days", deciding it would be "kick ass" if they could become "rock stars like Potsie and Ralph".
 
They would eagerly open every Sears catalog that came, and after spending "quality time" with the pictures of the bra models at the front of the book (Bitch Tits thought the ones that closed in front were hot), they would always go to the section "Musical instruments". There, they would see guitars and drum sets. And they knew if they became rock stars they would no longer be hung in lockers by the waistbands of their underwear.
 
Finally, one year Skid Mark got a guitar with an instruction book for Christmas, and Bitch Tits got a drum set for Hanukkah. They both signed up for the school band, but since there was no guitar needed, Stan played tuba. Barry was given a bass drum. Together, they played in the marching band. The highlight of their halftime show was when the band formed the shape of a football, with Barry in the coveted role of "air valve". It was during this formation that the student body would begin chanting "BITCH TITS! BITCH TITS!" This is when young Skid Mark and Bitch Tits decided that all they wanted to do was play music at sporting events.
 
Their after-school TV watching gave way to rehearsals. Skid Mark eagerly tore through the first 8 pages of Mel Bay Book 1, and would excitedly play "Red River" to his classmates prior to being stuffed into his usual locker. Bitch Tits managed to perfect the complicated drumming of "We Will Rock You", and even managed to excite fellow students by playing it one-handed while thrusting his fist into the air. The youngsters hearing this would become so excited by the primal rocking presented to them that they would fling Barry's drums out the window before holding him out the same window by his ankles.
 
Their big break came when the Student Council announced there would be a Battle of the Bands. The two youths decided they would enter, and decided they would call themselves "God Bless America", and would play "A Horse With No Name". They received the prestigious "Participants Award", and decided to change their name, since everyone just called them "Skid Mark and Bitch Tits" anyway. Besides, maybe people would think it sounded "punk".
 
They started playing gigs where they got paid. Although, technically the pay was for setting up the tables and taking out the garbage, they could play their music in front of the Women's Canasta Club each week until somebody would tell them to "cut that crap out and get me another beer."
 
They would offer cassettes for sale when they played..."Skid Mark and Bitch Tits:We Really Do Have Girlfriends, You Just Haven't Met Them". Nobody bought any, but they were on their way.

Next: Rocking the United Center

 

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