THE TAINT NUGGET SAGA: Part 3 - The Nugget Comes Apart
First we told you the tale of Taint Nugget's humble origins. Then we told you of their meteoric rise to mediocrity. Now, sadly, it's time to weave for you the tale of their denouement.
Following their triumphant World Tour (in which they never left the United Center), Taint Nugget was now drunk on success. And Midori.
Skid Mark had now decided it was time for him to emulate his greatest musical influence, Mel Bay. Bitch Tits wanted to get into music that was more driven by danceable rhythm. Five Head wanted to be a front man. Big Cheyenne would have been happy if they gave him a microphone. Just once.
So as the strife of their success wore down on them, the thought of playing Angus Young riffs in front of 20,000 people who were waiting for something better to happen started wearing on them, much as the stripper who still dreams of dancing with Alvin Ailey.
Once the season was over, they went to the Blackhaws demanding a raise from the $20 they misconstrued as pay for playing to $20 and a slice of pizza before every game. At that point, Blackhawks' management balked, and Taint Nugget was not long for this world.
They decided they wanted to go out in a blaze of glory. They took their equipment up to the roof of the United Center to play one last time, much as the Beatles did in "Let It Be". Unfortunately, they decided to do this at noon on a weekday, and there was nobody near the United Center. In fact the only person who heard them play was a member of the United Center security staff who told them, "Get the fuck off this roof before I send you over the rail."
Dejected, they went their separate ways. But where did they go?
STAN "SKID MARK" WODNICKI - Skid Mark embarked on a new career, waiting tables at the Buffalo Wild Wings in Chicago Ridge. He still fanned the flames of his passion for music, spending weekends playing with Pulaski's Polka Playboys - available for weddings and anniversary parties.
BARRY "BITCH TITS" SIEGEL - Bitch Tits followed his love for dance music to Amsterdam, where he joined Bearforce One.
TODD "FIVE HEAD" O'MALLEY - Five Head finally realized his dream of becoming a front man, forming his own band...
BIG CHEYENNE - After showing up to be vocalist on Five Head's album, only to learn it was to be an album of instrumentals, he was never seen again. However, legend has it that he can appear in your photo at any time, instantly making that photo better.
Will we ever see the likes of Taint Nugget again? Only time will tell...