Blackhawks at Wild: Always Be (re)Capping


So last night (because I forgot to post this) you could have watched a full period and a half of Blackhawks-Wild before falling asleep because hey it's the Wild. Oh, that's right they paid a lot of money for Zach Parise and Ryan Suter. And you're going to tell me that those two players really make you sit up and pay attention just like you did when they were with the Devils and Predators. That's what I thought. Sit down. 

Instead, we have to do this again because the NHL and NHLPA are still the worst. I actually wrote a cool thing (#coolthing) that made it into the Committed Indian and it was all about optimism and now it's really outdated because everything is terrible. I still think we'll have some hockey this year but also we might not. What I'm saying is I'm not a scientist - that's Batman's job. 

You may have noticed the obnoxious still frame of the video embedded above. I'm about to watch this video and tell you why it's to be scorned thanks to Andrew Bernier and his brilliant ideas. I haven't even heard a single note yet and I bet you all 47 dollars that I own it's the worst thing I've heard or seen in the longest of whiles. So here we go. 

Let's just recap this quickly because that was the even more painful than I imagined. I had actually gone this long without hearing the original song this was parodying, that being Taylor Swift's something about boys because boys are gross and her life is really hard. 

The singer starts off in bed wearing what I can only assume is a Taylor Hall jersey and no pants which caused YouTube commenter dalbgg6 to ask if she's naked under that jersey. Hey dalbgg6 - they have porno all over the Internet. You can find it by turning on your computer. It just shows up. I swear all the people are naked. You're welcome. 

Eventually she ends up at a bar drinking a lot because she's sad and also enjoys drinking. That's fine I think we can all relate to that. Then she adjusts her boobs and laments not being able to pick up a Jet. Well you'd have to be pretty gosh darn strong to pick up Dustin Byfuglien because he's super fat now. And hey let's be honest most hockey players weigh a lot. This was not a good plan after a lot of drinks. She should have just tried asking for a phone number. 

Also, now we know this is all happening in Winnipeg. I like how they didn't show most of the city of Winnipeg because it's a soul-crushing hellscape directly in the path of every Alberta Clipper that's ever existed. I imagine people in Winnipeg have it a lot worse than other fans who miss hockey. Oh that's right - the Jets have existed in their current form for exactly one season. They should actually be better at this than the rest of us. Fuck you, Winnipeg. Everyone hates you in record time. You win the Stanley Cup of being assholes. 

At this point the rest is a blur as I started gulping down Clorox like...well, like someone who just realized they have to live in Winnipeg and doesn't even get to watch the Jets get their ass kicked 41 times a season. 

This video did teach me a lesson though and I hope it's one that most of you can take with you after reading this. There are plenty of other things to do that aren't NHL hockey. And no, I'm not suggesting you go watch minor league hockey or pee wee hockey or air hockey at the bar because all that stuff sucks. The lesson is that unless you live in Winnipeg there are a ton of things you can do in the absence of your favorite NHL teams. Just please don't make anymore parody videos. 

Here's what shall forever be Winnipeg's one true theme song: 







 

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