LEAVE IT TO BETTMAN: 20th Anniversary

This episode finds Beaver Bettman waking up and putting on his Sunday best, and making sure his hair is extra neat. He's singing "Happy Anniversary" over and over to the tune of "William Tell Overture".

His brother Wally walks in:

"Gee, Beav, why are you getting all dressed up? Today's not picture day or anything like that?"

"Gee Wally, have you forgotten? Today's the 20th Anniversary of me becoming NHL Commissioner. I bet everybody's got all kinds of stuff planned for me today!"

"Gee Beav, I dunno...maybe if there were hockey games and stuff like that. But I think everyone's pretty sore at you."

"Aw, gee, Wally. I'm sure Lumpy Daly has something awfully swell planned!"

"Beav, I'm pretty sure Lumpy is just trying to keep the 29 owners from beating each other up during recess."

"Aw, Wally...stop being such a sorehead because it's my big day. I'm gonna go downstairs and see what Mom and Dad got me for my anniversary!"

Beav goes bounding down the stairs, pausing only on his way out of the room to blow a kiss at his Sidney Crosby poster...Beav's dad looks up from his coffee:

"Morning, Beaver. Is today picture day? June, is today picture day?"

"No Ward, I don't remember getting a letter from the school about picture day."

"Gee, guys...don't you remember today's my 20th Anniversary of being NHL Commissioner? Dad, didn't you guys get me anything?"

"Well, Beav...I was going to pick something up for you at the souvenir stand at the arena, but, well, you know..."

"Aw, gee, Dad...you know you could have gotten me all kinds of swell stuff at the league website!"

"Now Beaver...you know you don't get your allowance until you finish your chores, right?"

"Yeah, dad...but I mowed the lawn and raked the leaves already."

"Sure, Beaver...but why should we get you an anniversary gift when you've locked the players out? This is the third time you've done this. Mother and I have actually been discussing how long we should ground you."

Meanwhile, the doorbell rings, and Wally answers the door:

"Beav, it's Donny Fehr. I think he's got something for you."

"Aw, gee, not Donny Fehr. Mom, can you tell him I'm sick?'

"Now Beaver, why do you want to be rude to your friend?"

"Gee, I dunno Mom...I hate him, I guess."

Donny Fehr comes into the kitchen:

"Good morning, Mrs. Bettman. The morning sun is making you look even more radiant than usual."

"Good morning, Donny."

"Hey, Beav. Happy Anniversary. I got you something for your Anniversary. Do you like Hertz Donuts?"

"I dunno, Donny, I've never had one."

Fehr punches Beaver in the arm:

"Hurts, don't it?!?!"

"Gee, Donny, why are you so mean?"

"Gee, Beav, what makes you think I'm being mean to you? I set up a special anniversary party for you outside! In fact, I rounded up all the fans I could find from the team you own!"

Bettman looks outside and sees 3 people in Shane Doan shirseys:

"Gee, Donny, why are you making fun of the Coyotes? They're part of my plan to promote hockey in nontraditional markets!"

"Wow, Beav, and you're doing such a swell job! In fact, I got you an anniversary present to commemorate your legacy!"

"Aw, gee, Donny...that's swell!"

Bettman opens the gift, to find an Ilya Kovalchuck Atlanta Thrashers sweater

"Uh...thanks?"

"Beav, that's an authentic! I got it for twenty bucks! Now that we've gotten that out of the way, why won't you work with me on getting the season started?"

"Because I want my way! I want contract limits and more revenue and a longer CBA and less salary variance!"

Bettman's dad overhears him:

"Now, Beaver, you know the unlimited length and variance are the GM's doing, right? And the revenue split was what you forced the players to take last time..."

"I know Dad, but now the league's making more money than it ever has! I want more of it!"

"Beaver, you need to learn to compromise. Meet in the middle. Give and take. It's what people do in business all the time."

"I DON'T WANNA BE IN BUSINESS! I WANNA BE HOCKEY COMMISSIONER!"

Bettman storms back up to his room, leaving Donny and his father behind:

"Well, Donny...I guess you better go now. I'll have a talk with Beaver, and hopefully he'll be more willing to play nice next time you come over..."

TO BE CONTINUED...


 

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