LEAVE IT TO BETTMAN : The Drop-Dead Date

This episode opens with Beaver Bettman running home, just ahead of a large angry group of classmates.

He races through the door and slams it behind him, startling his mother.

Beaver dear, is everything all right?

Gee mom, those guys sure are sore at me.

Who's upset with you dear?

The NHL owners. I told them that this was going to take some time, but I guess they're not happy about it.

What are they so upset about dear?

Well Mom...when the old Collective Bargaining agreement expired, I told them I'd get them a better share of Hockey Related Revenue and stuff. I got them a better share, like I told them I would.

So then why are they so upset?

Well, we started talking about contract length and variance. Then Lumpy Daly said that was "the hill we're willing to die on", and now everybody's sore.

Beaver Bettman's father puts down his newspaper, and takes a long fraw off his pipe

Now Beaver, you have to understand that when you say things like that people will get upset.

But it wasn't me, it was Lumpy!

But Beaver, you locked out the players over money, and now you're locking them out over contract restrictions. Did you check with the owners before you changed what you were locking out over?

Gee dad, I'm the NHL Commissioner...I'm the guy running the league. It's a lot harder than when I was on the Safety Patrol. And every time the owners start calming down, Donnie Fehr does something to get them all sore again.

The doorbell rings, and Beaver's mom answers it. It's Donald Fehr, head of the NHL Players Association.

Hello Donny.

Good afternoon Mrs. Bettman. You are looking lovelier than ever today.

Beaver, your friend Donny is here

Aw, gee Mom...couldn't you tell him I wasn't home or something?

Hey Beav.

What do you want, Donny?

Now Beaver, that's no way to talk to your friend.

Oh, it's OK, Mrs. Bettman. I figure at some point Beaver will learn how to be as charming as you are..

Mrs. Bettman shakes her head and goes into the kitchen.

Hey Beav, I guess you saw the players voted overwhelming in favor of a disclaimer of interest...

Gee, Donny...what did you have to go ahead and do that for?

That way if you don't negotiate with us, we can disband the union and each player can file an antitrust suit.

Gee Donny, that's a rotten thing to do...how do we know the players wouldn't rejoin the NHLPA once the lockout ended?

That's for me to know and you to find out, Beav.

Now the owners are sore because I'm trying to protect them with regulations on contract length and variance.

Gee Beav, what made you do that? Weren't you watching all the contracts that were given out this summer? Even your pal Sid signed a long contract with 25% variance. You're costing the owners money over stuff they don't even really want.

Aw, c'mon Donny...you keep getting them all riled up. Then they get sore and they chase me home.

Well, Beav, if you'd just sit down and negotiate a CBA with me, we could get back to playing hockey and the owners would get back to making money, and they wouldn't be sore at you any more.

Beaver's mom calls out from the kitchen:

Beaver dear, supper's almost ready. Will your friend be staying for supper?

I guess so Mom. We're going up to my room to finish this CBA.

Beaver's dad looks out the window.

Beaver, who's that strange boy sitting on the lawn staring in at us?

Gee dad, that's Darren Dreger. You can go ahead and turn on the lawn sprinklers.


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  • 1/3/2013 11:06 AM Ski wrote:
    Little did America know that beavers dad collected Jap scalps during WWII as well as an impressive amount of hand to hand kills with an entrenching tool...ah simpler times
    Reply to this
  • 1/3/2013 11:10 AM ChicagoNativeSon wrote:
    Slow clap. Funny stuff - and even tied in #DregerFace.
    Reply to this

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