The Jackman Cometh - Hawks 3, Blues 0

Ryan Reaves New Reality Show Awaits Greenlight 
Blues fans are looking for anything they can use to console themselves coming into tonight’s game as to why the Blackhawks are faring so well while their beloved blue notes are having such trouble living up to the preseason hype that led to nine of every ten (made up statistic) people who cover the NHL to have them emerge from the Western Conference playoff. From the dumbest article I’ve read in YEARS (the article, 5 Reasons Not To Worry About The Chicago Blackhawks, which has since been removed by the author due to sheer embarrassment) to general kvetching ranging from injury excuses to just plain dumb luck, denizens of the 900th Greatest City in the US of A are staggered.

Things just plum haven’t worked out, have they? Certainly, numbers from resident stat geeks say the Blues are due for move up the standings. But it’s a short season and the Blues are loaded with equal measures of emerging talent and cantankerous shitbaggery that can only be held back for so long.

In an added hilarious twist for some goddamn reason it was Barret Jackman night in St. Louis which makes perfect sense because Barret Jackman sucks. In that regard, every night is Barret Jackman night in St. Louis. They've made the playoffs in exactly half of his 10 full seasons in the NHL. Before his arrival in 2001-02 they had made the playoffs every year since 1978-79. Seems like something to celebrate to me. Thanks for making St. Louis somehow worse than they already were. 

Knives out. It’s HATECAP time. 

THE GOOD

- Goaltending depth? Certainly I wouldn't say Corey Crawford mysteriously wobbling off the ice after the first period is a good thing but Ray Emery came in and swept up the rest of the Blues' stinking corpse for a combined shutout. Ray Emery has been immense this season. 

- Jonathan "Wishes He Was David Backes" Toews with two goals including one in the first 12 seconds off a breakout that would make baby Jesus spit up his myrrh. Or frankincense. Whatever.

- Brandon Saad on the PK. What ever the Hawks did to be lucky enough for him to fall to 43rd overall was they should thank their lucky stars every day. This kid is the truth. He also inadvertently put True Captain & All-Star Manly Man David Backes on his ass and then face and then he was injured for a while. 

- Other than a questionable penalty getting some revenge on Kris Russell, Andrew Shaw scoring his fifth (!) goal of the year on a wonderful feed from Bryan Bickell who was hanging out in his new office. Quite an unlikely duo these two are turning out to be. 

- Nick Leddy's shot that set up Toews' second goal was great. Low to the ground allowing Toews to do the rest of the dirty work to put the game away. I love this kid. CAM BARKER. 

THE BAD

- Ryan Reaves may have been fantasizing about eating the Purina Dog Food (he lives in a dumpster behind the Purina Building) ad on the boards behind him as he lazily tripped Viktor Stalberg and stood there and watched as Stalberg recaptured the puck and had a clean shot on Halak from the dot. He's a terrible excuse for a hockey player. 

- Everyone taking draws for the Hawks not named Patrick Sharp or Jonathan Toews. 

- Ryan Reaves uses frozen chunks of mayo as soap.

- Dan "Gorilla Salad" Carcillo on the first line. Granted he only played ten minutes but ya know - those are minutes that Brandon Saad could be skating instead. Brandon Saad should be skating all the time. Brandon Saad is the truth. 

- Ryan Reaves owns every single Michael Bay movie on VHS. 

THE UGLY

- We have a coach in the division in Barry Trotz who has no neck at all. We also have Ken Hitchcock whose neck spills out of his shirt like a double scoop on a waffle cone. 

- Barret Jackman Night, huh. We didn't even bother to look up what he was actually being honored for because facts are for losers. Instead here are some of the ways St. Louis honored their Scumbag Laureate: 

- Fans were encourage to shoot the rats over by the airport in honor of Jackman's favorite off-ice hobby
- "This Is Your Life Barret Jackman" featuring his stepdad, 18 friends named Rick, and a live performance by Finger Eleven (credit to @TheTripleDeke)
- A parking lot carnival and free STD testing
- Dollar off any concession stand purchase of any leading brand of bum wine including MD 20/20 and Night Train
- Punching unsuspecting people in the back of the head
- Free layaway at any St. Louis area Rent-a-Center 
- A re-enactment of Barret Jackman's favorite scenes from Entourage
- A paste eating contest 

- That said we still have no idea what Jackman was being honored for. Perhaps it was the 10th anniversary of the time Animal Control captured him and thought they’d finally solved the mystery of the chupacabra only to find out that the muffled grunts Barret Jackman considers everyday speaking were too close to human to be sure. 

The Blackhawks are 17-0-3. They have taken a point from every single game this season. There are only 28 games left. Enjoy every moment of this season friends. This is special stuff. The red-hot Columbus Blue Jackets are in town tomorrow night. Let's Go Hawks. 






 

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