VIEW FROM THE TOP: Buffalo Sabres

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As the self-appointed spokesmen/woman of the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks, we are using the idea of "To the victors go the spoils" quite seriously. What we will do between now and the night the Stanley Cup banner is raised in the United Center is point out the shortcomings of all the teams that won't have four crisp new banners in their rafters. We continue this series with the Buffalo Sabres.

Ah, Buffalo.  Just the name of the city is enough to conjure up the smell of scorched breading and cooking oil in my mind's eye.  But apparently the NHL, by some unfathomable oversight, put a hockey team in Buffalo years ago, and then seems to have forgotten about it. Yes, somehow a northern city with 260,000 people whose historical highlight is being burned by the British in 1812 because it was too depressing to occupy has managed to hold onto an NHL team while places like Quebec City and Winnipeg lost (and then regained) theirs.

Still, after years of wallowing in the doldrums, the Sabres seemed to have found their savior in drunken billionaire Donald Pegula.  Pegula's first order of business was to open his wallet sign some top tier free agents.  When none could be found he said "fuck it" and signed Ville Leino and Christian Ehrhoff instead, because, well, his wallet was already open anyway.

So that's a brief history of the Buffalo Sabres.  But we're here to talk about the future, so let's see what's in store...

FORWARDS:

Let's start with Thomas Vanek.  He seems like a classic Buffalo Sabre, in that he's had a good career as a scorer but now that he's almost 30 it's time for the Rangers or Flyers to pay him a bazillion dollars and then be pissed when his production falls off.  Drew Stafford is a player I've heard of.  Ville Leino is a guy who makes me feel really good about Bryan Bickell's contract.  In fact, if Bickell scores 12 goals this year I'm just going to scream "VILLE LEINO" at anybody who tries to tell me he sucks.

The Sabres do have some interesting younger forwards, including Tyler Ennis and Mikhail Grigorenko, but naturally the most promising of those is Cody Hodgson who is an unsigned RFA as I type this.

The rest of the forwards are complete jagoffs like Patrick Kuleta and Steve Ott, who is like a human version of that booger you can't seem to flick off your finger.

John Scott is listed as a forward on the roster, and frankly I take that as a personal insult.

DEFENSE:

Seriously, Buffalo's top pairing is Tyler Myers who is tall and Christian Ehrhoff who you may remember from such movies as The San Jose Sharks Flame Out In the Playoffs and The San Jose Sharks Flame Out In the Playoffs II: Electric Boogaloo.  Ehrhoff was a such a popular character in the series that he was then given his own television show, with the setting changed to Vancouver.  

Henrik Tallinder is back with the Sabres after New Jersey traded him there and just told Buffalo to send back whatever Boychuks they had laying around.

Mark Pysyk's last name looks really cool.

GOALTENDING:

Ryan Miller is pretty good, and he's in the last year of his deal and no Patrick Kane isn't going to be traded to Buffalo for him so just shut the fuck up already.

MUNDANE FACT:

If John Scott and Tyler Myers were laid end to end they would be 13' 4".  This would be a record setting length for a turd.

OUTLOOK:

Negative.

ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS?

It appears not, but Hockeenight and some of our readers will find out for sure on 10/12.

 

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  • 8/22/2013 1:39 PM pstumba wrote:
    "It appears not, but Hockeenight and some of our readers will find out for sure on 10/12."

    youre assuming i can read, i have siri read every post to me. i'm even dictating this comment to her right now. but i digress, i would say i am a "listener"
    Reply to this

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