VIEW FROM THE TOP: Carolina Hurricanes

As the self-appointed spokesmen/woman of the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks, we are using the idea of "To the victors go the spoils" quite seriously. What we will do between now and the night the Stanley Cup banner is raised in the United Center is point out the shortcomings of all the teams that won't have four crisp new banners in their rafters. We continue this series with the Carolina Hurricanes.

With the exception of three years, the Carolina Hurricanes have had a history of futility unmatched by any current NHL franchise not trying to get people to go to a rink in the middle of a desert. In fact, they've been bad to the point that people long for the "good old days" of the NHL playing games in Nowheresville, Connecticut.

The Hurricanes are a team that hasn't made the playoffs in 4 seasons, but haven't really been able to load their roster with stud draft picks. So they even suck when it comes to sucking. In fact, even their coach, Kirk Muller, symbolizes a team that isn't good, but also isn't bad enough to reap any benefits...he was the Devils' consolation prize in the draft after they lost a coin flip for Mario Lemieux, then was the team's Captain pretty much right up until they became good - at which point he wound up elsewhere.

Will things be any better in CT's old stomping grounds this season? Let's take a look.

FORWARDS:

On the bright side, the Hurricanes have the talent of two star brothers. Unfortunately for them, that talent is spread across three Staals...Eric, Jordan and Shemp. They've also got Jiri Tlusty and Tuomo Ruutu, two players whose biggest contribution is giving all the Billy Bobs in the stands fits trying to spell their names. They've also got Alexander Semin signed to a long-term deal, which is great because now he can conserve his energy by not giving a shit for years. They also have Jeff Skinner, who has had so many concussions that his skull is now nothing more than a bowl that holds the creamy tapioca that was once his cerebrum.

DEFENSE:


There are very few ways any hockey team could add Mike Komisarek to their blue line corps and actually improve. The Hurricanes did it by jettisoning known penisloaf and Chicagoan Joe Corvo. While the Hurricanes actually have a couple decent forwards, being decent is nothing anybody has to worry about with stalwarts like Justin Faulk leading the way. I'd say that this would be a good place for the Hawks to try sending Sheldon Brookbank, except they don't have anybody I'd want coming back.

GOALTENDING:

I'd rather be a crash test dummy for Pliny than have Cam Ward's job. I don't think he's actually getting hurt every year, he's just like anybody else who keeps banging in sick when they know their job sucks.

OUTLOOK:

Since nobody in the NHL offices knows how to read a map, the Hurricanes don't even get cream puffs Florida or Tampa in their new division. They get to slug it out in the Metro Division, which means Basement City.

MUNDANE FACT:

The Hurricanes were 27th on the power play and 28th on the penalty kill. Sounds like some assistant coach is looking to impress Joel Quenneville.

ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS?

Seriously, I'm not entirely sure they're better than the Chicago Wolves.

 

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  • 8/24/2013 8:32 AM mightymikeD wrote:
    I didn't realise that the Canes had obtained Briere, Gionta, Desharnais and Gallagher from the Habs...
    Reply to this

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