VIEW FROM THE TOP: St. Louis Blues

As the self-appointed spokesmen/woman of the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks, we are using the idea of "To the victors go the spoils" quite seriously. What we will do between now and the night the Stanley Cup banner is raised in the United Center is point out the shortcomings of all the teams that won't have four crisp new banners in their rafters. We continue this series with the St. Louis Blues.

Remember last season when a bunch of hockey writers picked the St. Louis Blues to win the Cup? Well they’ve done it again. And why not? With moves like the signing of Derek Roy and trading David Perron for enigmatic Finn Magnus Paajarvi (16 pts last season) you have to think these guys can be champions. Plus they finally managed to get a contract done with Alex Pietrangelo who can now say he's going to be living in St. Louis for the next seven years. And who wouldn't love to be able to say that?

When discussing the Blues one has to acknowledge their long history - after all they were part of the NHL’s first really big expansion from six teams to twelve in 1967. The following is a list of the cool things they’ve won since then:

In other huge news the Blues hired Kevin James who promptly murdered Brett Hull and wore his skin to a press conference that was held in the frozen foods section of Costco.

So let’s take a look at the team that professional idiots think is going to win the Cup even you need just one reason why they won’t: the Blackhawks.

Here’s some unfunny crap:


David Backes, true American hero and captain, leads the St. Louis Blues on the ice. Number 42 in your programs but number 1 in your heart, Backes sacrifices himself for the good of the team and displays a nice skillset to boot! He’s not only a great leader and player. Off the ice he helps find dogs new homes and most certainly does not have unprotected sex with all of them constantly. He's also never heard of Bryan Bickell.

The rest of the lineup is post-White Castle butt spray. Vladimir Tarasenko has a lot of talent (never mind his defensive issues, health issues, and ‘optimized’ minutes) but everyone else is a guy. That’s it. They do some things well and other things poorly. One of the things they do especially poorly is play with the idea of trying to score goals in order to win games. See, the thing Blues fans love to talk about the most, besides their sisterwives, is how the Blues are always hitting everything in sight. Job number one against St. Louis is to get them riled up early and they’ll focus on hitting anyone wearing the other sweater.

Ryan Reaves lives in a dumpster behind the Purina Building.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention TJ Oshie and his Bucket O’ Tears. He sucks. Chris Stewart had a nice year last year - he also shot almost 19%. That won’t happen again over 82 games. The Blues also went out and signed Maxim LaPenisloaf as if they knew I might get bored with Hatecaps.


The big story here is their best player and blueliner, Alex Pietrangelo, was not present at the outset of camp because his agent and team were haggling over about a million dollars. I had a bunch of stuff written here making fun of the Blues for being poor and dumb but no one, not even St. Louis, is dumb enough to not give a player of Pietrangelo’s caliber the years and dollars he wanted. So they gave him seven years at six and a half per. That’s hard to argue with.

We all know Pietrangelo and Kevin Shattenkirk are what makes the Blues good enough to, I don’t know, pick to win things that they’ll never win. From there it gets slightly problematic. Their second pairing of Jordan Leopold and Jabe O’Meester are Flames rejects. Jabe is probably the funniest looking goof in the world. It's an upgrade from what they entered last season with, so credit there. Then you get to Barret “Huh? What?” Jackman and Roman “Escaped From The Zoo” Polak. They’re absolutely horrible. They’ve invited Ryan Whitney into camp because the Blues training staff wanted to try some new experimental medical procedures on a real cadaver.




The Blues are the only team named after Smurf penis.


The Blues aren’t a bad team. No, they’re fine and smart people like them because they have good possession numbers. They’ll make the playoffs in the aggressively shitty NHL Norris or Central or Midwest or whatever it’s called. Worst case scenario has the Planet Hitchcock Tune Out hitting its stride after a slow start and Paul Bearer’s Brother is fired before Thanksgiving. Best case scenario is finishing 2nd in the division and winning three boring-as-fuck games in the first round before bowing out. At least St. Louis has the Cardinals.


Does the Pope shit in a toilet? No. No, he doesn't.


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