THE JACKMAN COMETH II: DYSPEPTIC BOOGALOO - BLUES 3, HAWKS 2 (SOT)

Dirty As Hell

This will be the second thing I've had to write on the Blues in 24 hours and the third in just the last eight days. Sometimes I'll find myself wondering how I can possibly get the hate going to come up with enough fuel for a proper hatecap. I'm not good at pretending to hate anything - if I say I hate it, I fucking hate it. 

Anyway, just as I'm thinking we're going to get a clean but hotly contested hockey game the inevitable Barret Jackman Ruins Everything play happens and I can't even see straight. Games like this and pretty much every single other one are why Hawks fans hate playing the Blues. Not because they might win a game or two. Because any player in a Hawk sweater is in danger of being brutalized into retirement by reckless, fuckheaded scumshits like Barret Goddamn Cockcheese Ratpuke Garbageballs Jackman. 

Let’s just get this out of the way - you don’t come here for chalkboard breakdowns of hockey - so I’ll spare you. This rivalry isn’t going anywhere this season. The Hawks are still very good. The Blues are still very good. I think the Wild will insert themselves into the conversation more than anyone would care for them to. I don’t give a shit about the Avalanche right now.

THE GOOD: 

Corey Crawford was great. He was great all night. If you're hellbent on staying silent when he's good and destroying him when he's bad because he's finally getting paid that's your prerogative. It's mine to let you know you're a loser. 

Marian Hossa seems to be snapping out of his early season funk. He scored on a beautiful breakaway, his second breakaway attempt of the game, after a great strip by Hjalmarsson put him right in all alone. He made no mistake with a half-slapshot from 3 inches away. Classic Hossa. 

In the first period, the line of Pirri, Shaw, and Saad looked to be in another gear. Pirri also scored his first NHL goal off a real nice reception of a pass that he one-timed past Jaroslav Halak. Then after that I think he was locked in a dungeon? 

THE BAD: 

Everything else. This game stunk. Again, I want to make it clear I draw no conclusions from this game because it was pointless and horrible. It was like moving to St. Louis. 

If the Hawks spent the last few off days talking about keeping that higher gear going through all three periods, they'll be talking about it until Saturday because they sure as hell didn't do that tonight. 

Here's a great example of a game where you need to make the Blues pay on the scoreboard. The Blackhawks had plenty of power play time to respond to the brutalization from the neanderthal Blues and couldn't do it. That's more than a little disappointing given how important these points will be down the line. 

THE UGLY: 

Where to begin? 

It started in bizarre fashion. Ed Olczyk overpraised dumpster dweller Ryan Reaves for not shattering Brandon Bollig’s spine. That’s what the game has come to. Hey great job not cutting this defenseless person in half wow. Someone cue up the Chris Rock skit about taking care of your kids.

From there the game turned into what I can only best describe as what it must be like for an eight year old watching the band from Showbiz Pizza become engulfed in flames and slowly burn into hideous twisted metal robot corpses.

Just as Pat Foley had finished telling the audience why Maxim Lapierre was not playing (Foley called him a "goofball"), Barret Jackman rammed Patrick Kane from behind in the center of the ice driving his head into the boards. Blues synergy is unbeatable.

Something I am not making up is the Blues "Dirt Cheap" cheap hit of the game. This is something the Blues broadcast apparently does and it's sponsored. The Jackman hit was the "winner" so congratulations! Unfortunately this award, second in importance only to the Chicago Midwest Emmy, was handed out prematurely.

Roman "I Escaped From The Zoo And Eat Handfuls Of My Own Shit" Polak decided to one up his ameoba-brained teammate when he did the exact same thing to Marcus Kruger. This lead to a bunch of hand holding and Kumbaya singing all over the ice including Jackman dragging his hands over to punch Shaw in the face.

Again, it's worth noting on both of these plays the Hawks ended up with the man advantage and couldn't capitalize. Andrew Shaw cut Polak's penalty short but delivering a hit behind the play to TJ Oshie. It was a stupid play form Shaw who otherwise played pretty well. 

All in all, this game was shit. If you eschewed a night with your friends or family to watch it, you should be ashamed of yourself. The Blackhawks next game is against the Toronto Maple Leafs. I'm going to try not to think about hockey until then.

 

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