Whether you’re ready or not — and don’t let me stop you from plugging your ears and sticking your head into a pitcher of grain alcohol to get away from it — the Stanley Cup Final will go on without the Chicago Blackhawks. They should probably cancel the thing but no one ever listens to me.
You’re probably still quite raw from last night’s events. It’s understandable. But I’m here to help you move on and pick a team to root for in the final round. Two of America’s most recognizable cities will battle it out for the Cup.
Let’s go a little more in depth, shall we?
You hate underdogs. You know that when bad or boring teams continue to pull off upsets all that means is you have to continue to watch a bad team play more games. That’s no fun at all. The Bruins were the best team in the East and most people expected them to be here instead of New York.
So go Kings. They’re the better team by all accounts except for goaltending where the matchup is more of a mismatch than anyone will care to admit.
You love underdogs and hope the Rangers can pull off the shocking upset. Aren’t upsets great? Watching a heavy underdog battle and scrap for every goal is exhilarating! Like college basketball! You like college basketball don’t you. Screw you if you pick this reason.
The Rangers are from New York and you could never root for anything from New York because that city is the worst and everything in it sucks. Feel free to swap out Rangers and New York with Kings and Los Angeles as everything in that sentence is true either way.
The Kings or Rangers are your second team so this is easy for you.
Second team? Please put your head in the toilet and flush until you no longer have a head. If part of your head is gone and you become unable to continue with your flushing duties, please designate a flush buddy to make sure your head is flushed all the way down the toilet until you are 100% dead. Second teams are bullshit.
Alain Vigneault winning a Stanley Cup in his first year away from Vancouver who blew their fairly lengthy window time and time again would be absolutely hilarious. I actually feel bad for Canucks fans now that they’re a lottery team with a few aging superstars and not much else. If for some reason you’re still super spiteful toward Vancouver, this is your option.
The Kings winning the Cup would give them two Cups in three seasons. That’s significantly more impressive than the tried and true retort to any Joel Quenneville criticism “two Cups in four years so what do you know idiot”. This also means the Kings are now the odds on favorite to be the next NHL dynasty instead of the Hawks. Does that upset you? If so get your red and blue on.
You’re an obnoxious ex-New Yorker whose name may or may not rhyme with Dork who finds any way he can to shoehorn mid-90s Rangers references into every single puckcast. We know who you truly love, buddy.
What’s your pick? Kings or Rangers? Why? Leave a comment in our baffling, impossible to operate comment section. Or tweet a picture of your grossest boogers to @hockeenight.