California Dreaming: Blackhawks 2, Ducks 0

After largely dismantling the Kings Monday night, the Blackhawks made the long, arduous trip from L.A. to Anaheim to face the formerly "Mighty," and presently Douchey, Ducks.

With Johnny Oduya sidelined due to a "lower-body injury" (terrible, lately), Brandon Pirri in the press box (Q feeling moody) and Michal Handzus in the lineup despite a "whole-body injury" (old), how would our boys fare against the Dickpincher, Bald Bastard and the rest of the NHL-leading (really?) Ducks?

Pretty fucking great, actually. The Slovakian Killing Machine scored early in the second. The Captain added a goal with 2:30 left in the third (assisted by said Killing Machine). In between, the Ducks had a man advantage for what felt like forever, but a feisty Corey Crawford stepped up and notched his first shutout of the season.

The Innocent: Corey Muthafuckin' Crawford. 29 saves of 29 shots, and many of them tough stops of open chances. Take a bow and a shot of Malort, Crow. You earned it.

The penalty kill was nails, withstanding a 40-second 5-on-3 in the first and a double minor in the second. Thank #JesusMarianHossa, the PK has finally found its way!

The Indicted: The power play, I guess? It was 0-2. But the Ducks are a good team (it isn't April, after all) with a good PK, so whatever.

The Guilty: Andrew Shaw, your "oh gee, I'm just a small guy but I play with an edge" antics are wearing thin, sir. One dumb penalty in each of the first two periods? If your name was Brandon Pirri you wouldn't see ice in Chicago until 2015 for that shit.

Dustin Penner. Yes, it was funny and nice the way he turned injuring himself eating breakfast into a charity pancake breakfast, but Dustin Penner is a loathsome individual. If he were an accommodation, he'd be a Sochi hotel room. If he were a facial feature, he'd be snot-encrusted overgrown nasal hair. He is to hockey what dog shit is to shoes. He's probably googling himself right now, and in moments will be preparing a butthurt tweet linking to this very recap so that his braindead "Pennernation" can respond for him. The closest anything with an "XX" should get to Dustin Penner is the 20-year anniversary patch on his sweater. I wouldn't fuck Dustin Penner with Corey Perry's dick. Dustin Penner has more penalty minutes than points in his entire NHL career, has all of 29 points this season (on a line with Perry and Getzlaf, those prolific scoring fuckers, no less), and he has the gall to make "jokes" about prostitutes, who actually earn their pay. He may as well have been in an invisibility cloak tonight. Hell, even Pat Foley took a break from yukking it up with Edzo tonight to remark upon Dustin Penner's ineffectiveness, which is probably the worst thing I can actually say about him as a hockey player. I could go on about how pathetic Dustin Penner is, but you probably already stopped reading.

The Blackhawks, now within 1 point of the Ducks for NHL supremacy, next face the Coyotes Friday night at the arena. It's Oscar season, so expect an Academy Award-caliber performance from Mike Smith at some point in the evening before the league breaks for Sochi.

And now, a shameless plug: A friend of the blog, Hockey Brunch in Chicago, is hosting a bowling night for charity on March 8. All proceeds will go to You Can Play, so you should get in on the bowling and drinking action. As a bonus, you can meet me and tell me how much you hate my recaps! Come on and tell me to my face! Get more info here.


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