After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it). But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard! Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.
Ah, the Carolina Hurricanes. I’m not sure what sort of anomaly is causing this franchise to attract ex-Blackhawks like dark pet hair on a white couch, but this is getting fucking hilarious. In fact, this might be the most informed preview I write this season, mostly on accident.
What a tremendous collection of stuff the Canes have here. Jeff SKIN-NER! can play a bit and you know what you’ll get from Jordan Staal. Lee Stempniak really surprised me by still being in the league. Justin Williams signed a two year contract which would seem to indicate that Carolina thinks they’ll benefit from his playoff bona fides (SPOILER: they won’t). On the ex-Hawk front, expect Marcus Kruger and Teuvo Teravainen to combine for 20 goals on 35 shots this year, while Joakim Nordstrom picks right up where he left off (page 247 of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire).
The defense is led by alternate universe Blackhawks’ 2nd pair Klas Donaldbeck and Trevor van Riemsdyk, includes Justin Faulk who may be an actual good player and the rest of them are even greener than the guys listed above.
Cam Ward continues to be a NHL goaltender despite the evidence against him. I won’t say a single bad thing about Scott Darling because I love him very much and I hope he has a lot of success, at least in the Eastern Conference.
Jimmy Hayes works concessions at the PNC Arena. Ask for him at the Grits N Suds Pavillion located in the lower bowl on the southeast side of the stadium.
ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE LAS VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS:
It was actually pretty close until they took TVR off the Knights hands.