HOCKEE NIGHT

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EVERYONE HERE WANTS TO LEAVE: Blackhawks 2, Fake Jets 1

hatecap 4

Just when I thought I’d have to comb through the slog of Winnipeg news items, like how disgustingly racist the city is, the Fake Jets implode with this Evander Kane debacle. Did I not tell you they’d come fucking undone and start wrecking their sexual fantasy of making it to the playoffs? It looks like fans will be crying while holding their flaccid dicks in their hands. Stuff your teeny pricks in your pants before they freeze and fall off, you empty-headed, acid-dropping moose fuckers.

I’m sure if Sartre had ventured to Canada, he would’ve changed that line in No Exit to “L’enfer, c’est Winnipeg (hell is Winnipeg)”. By the way, I notice that I have trouble typing the name Winnipeg – I type an r instead of an e – and should just go with the typo by expanding it to Winnimpreg. If you don’t know what mpreg is, go look that up.

Tonight, the Blackhawks met the Fake Jets in the woefully small arena that they stole from the Manitoba Moose. I wonder where they hung the 2006-07 Southeast Division championship banner. Anyway, after a 24 hour layover in Chicago and a day in Winnimpreg, the Hawks got their shit together to beat Ye Bags of Ass and make the crowd weep openly. I hope Corey Crawford got a massive boner every time they chanted his name.

Let’s recap this game while I eagerly await being blocked by that twuntbucket team on Twitter.

 

THE GOOD:

Patrick Kane’s game tying goal broke their seven period goalless streak and made me cream my pants. Then he assisted Brandon “Kneel Before” Saad on the game winner in overtime. He’s now tied for first in the league in points. Two words: Jizz. Everywhere.

Corey Crawford getting nasty with Dustin Byfuglien was the best. Fuck friendship, he’ll throw down with your loser ass.

Michal Rozsival and Johnny Oduya didn’t have their usual full nuclear meltdown tonight, so I guess that’s a good thing.

 

THE BAD:

Any time Daniel Carcillo is in the lineup, you know the game will be cocked up royally somehow. That fight with Chris Thorburn was a real game changer. Yep.

Byfuglien can eat a basket of deep fried dicks for laying hits on Kane repeatedly. Once can be excused as “I was kidding” but after that, you’re being a jackass. Related: Jacob Trouba can eat shit for his hit on Kane. No, I will not deep fry it for him.

Okay, show of hands: who took a drink every time Foley and Konroyd mentioned HITZ and GRIT as a big factor in the game? Trick question, because if you did, you’d be in the hospital for alcohol poisoning.

I wondered why Donald Hutchinson was in net tonight, and then I remembered that Ondrej Pavelec and his hilarious contract were demoted to backup. Then I laughed and almost choked on my water.

 

THE UGLY:

If EKane was the victim of bullying as was reported, then it wasn’t the first time if it drove him to skip the game. That makes Dustin Byfuglien out to be hockey’s version of Richie Incognito, except that Byfuglien’s won a championship. It also makes the Fake Jets look like giant shitbags for allowing the bullying to happen. Well, that’s what they are every day, but you get my point.

Now EKane’s having shoulder surgery, which is his way of saying “I’d rather have a medical procedure done than play for you fucking basket of rotting dicks.” The clue phone’s ringing off the damn hook, you fucks, so trade him. Wait, Kevin Cheveldayoff DOESN’T FUCKING KNOW HOW TO TRADE. Has no one learned their lesson from the way Vancouver handled Luongo?

P.S. Andrew “Captain Clueless” Ladd will always be King of the Douchelords.

 

HOTTEST TAKE:

A shirsey? And a brand new one at that? Jesus, Jets fans are beyond brainless.

Just Winnipeg Things

As if Winnimpreg wasn’t bad enough, the Hawks end their road trip in St. Louis on Sunday. It’s a matinee game, so we’ll be able to bask in Slak’s Hatecap all evening.

Updated: February 6, 2015 — 10:09 pm
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