HOCKEE NIGHT

The Malört of Hockey Blogs

GET OFF THE STAGE: Blackhawks 4, Fake Jets 0

hatecap 4

I really miss writing hatecaps. It gives me the perfect platform to eviscerate the moose-pounding meth heads collectively known as the City of Winnipeg and its gross gang of dick yankers on skates, the Jets. Ah, Winnipeg, where rounding up johns is a new pastime and someone was found injured and dogless in the local dog park. I’m guessing the snow will leave around June, just in time for Itchy to load up the boat and make those summer drug deliveries on the river.

In case you’re wondering, this game was sponsored on Sportsnet by the following:

  • Itchy’s Meth Emporium
  • Itchy’s Hockey Drugs and Moose Piss
  • True North Meth and Moose Ass
  • Itchy’s Moose Piss Brewing Company
  • Itchy’s Moose Fleshlight Shop
  • True North Moose Shit and Cigars
  • Itchy’s Moose Massage Parlor
  • Itchy’s Special Meth Mix
  • Itchy’s Soft Serve (in Moose Shit and Moose Piss flavors)
  • True North Moose Piss Candy Company
  • True North Moose Fuckers Club
  • Greater Winnipeg Bestiality Society

Actually, I just listed those because I’ll need them for the next game. It’s hard to keep track of all those awesome businesses in the city whose transit system really, really hates disabled people.

Let’s go.

 

THE GOOD

Hey, they won a game!

The Little Idiot put the Hawks on the board, with G*d aka Marian Hossa scoring 26 seconds later. THEN Andrew Ladd and Tomas Fleischmann scored over a minute apart. This is the offense we’ve needed over the last three games. Where the hell has it been?

Dale Weise was more than present in this game, so this means he’ll either keep this up or the WTF line will consist of Teuvo and Tomas Fleischmann trying while Weise lags and holds them back. I’m still not trusting of this guy because he’s been under the influence of Michel Therrien.

Scott Darling’s performance is the result of playing him more than once every six fucking weeks. But once Corey Crawford comes back, we won’t see the pride of Lemont till something goes horribly fucking wrong in the playoffs.

 

THE BAD

The best part of Ondrej Pavelec’s career was left in Atlanta to sit lonely and confused in Piedmont Park, waiting for the King of Pops (I’ve been told that the Chocolate Sea Salt pops are the shit).

 

THE UGLY

Let’s talk about this stupid Heritage Classic game. The Jets are going to have an alumni game with former Old Jets players. You’re not the damned Coyotes, you never were, so get over yourselves. And don’t give me this “well, it’s the name and spirit of the name” bullshit, blah blah fucking blah. NOT THE SAME TEAM. Teemu Selanne never played for the Thrashers. If the New Jets want alumni, they can call upon such Thrashers legends as Ilya Kovalchuk, Ben Eager and Brent Sopel and his dong.

If you want to read an incredibly factually inaccurate article about this sham of an outdoor game, here you go.

 

HOTTEST TAKE:

My friend asks the million dollar question:

winnipeg hot take

When I said that maybe they thought I was joking, she said “They can read?!”

 

Next up: the Hawks play the Wild again, which will end in tears for someone. Probably the new coach, I can’t remember his fucking name.

 

Remember: FUCK WINNIPEG

Updated: March 19, 2016 — 12:27 am
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