HOCKEE NIGHT

The Malört of Hockey Blogs

THE QUEEN IS DEAD: Blackhawks 4, Fake Jets 3

queen

I’m a bit sad that this is the last Fake Jets recap of the season. Then I remember that the snow up there in Winnimpreg has melted to reveal the giant piles of moose shit on the streets, and I laugh till I piss myself. Itchy can now haul out the ol’ boat and bring your drugs dockside as he floats down the Assboning River (or whatever it’s called, do I look like I give a fuck).

By the way, Fake Jets pissbabies: your beloved picture of Her Majesty will never be seen in MTS Centre ever. Quit whining and go pilfer the franchise history of the Cleveland Barons.

“We’re going to the playoffs!” Fake Jets fans say. If you make it, good luck being destroyed in the first round. Dust off the golf clubs, you’ll need them. And while you’re at it, fuck your pet moose while you shine up your turd of a city and attempt to downplay the fact that you’re a bunch of racist fuckwads.

Speaking of playoffs, the Blackhawks are fighting for their lives now because they’ve been playing like those piles of moose shit. I’m utterly surprised that they won tonight, because I thought that Ondrej Pavelec and his Magic Springsteen Mask would repel goals and shit. But Pavelec regressed back to his sucky post-Thrashers self, and things are looking a bit better. Well, till tomorrow night.

Let’s do the thing.

 

THE GOOD

Bless Sock Puppet Andrew Shaw for that power play goal. He took a elbow and a slap to the face and gave a big ol’ fuck you to Dustin Byfuglien. Give him a Slim Jim for his good work.

Hey Brad Richards scored a goal! And so did Patrick Sharp!

Winnimpreg native Jonathan Toews should’ve whipped out his dick and taken a lap after that game winning goal. The crowd deserved it.

Holy shit, the Hawks scored FOUR GOALS? I’ll be doing a pantsless Kaner Shuffle.

 

THE BAD

Yeah, fuck Dustin Byfuglien for his penalty against Shaw. Choke on a bag of dicks.

Lee Stempniak completely whiffing over the net was a thing of beauty. Good jorb!

Jets fans doing a goalie chant AS THE GAME STARTS is as fucking stupid as they come. But we’re talking about Jets fans, who probably still piss on their beloved arena.

What in the fuck was that weak elbowing call on Hjalmarsson? Then again, I shouldn’t be surprised after Shane Doan’s hit on Kris Letang went unpunished.

Toews has a double secret injury, because he wouldn’t have missed the net on that 2 on 0 with Saad. Just in time for playoffs too!

 

THE UGLY

We had to put up with the WGN intermission shit, sponsored by Wayne’s World and Dialing for Dollars. All that was missing was the trololo guy.

wgn

WHY WAS KRIS VERSTEEG ON THE PENALTY KILL. WHY WAS SHAW AT CENTER. WHY WAS VERMETTE ON THE WING. WHY WAS TEUVO ON THE FOURTH LINE. WHY WAS ROZSIVAL PLAYING AT ALL. WHY.

As nice as a win is, this was still a shitty way to play. they allowed three special teams goals in this game, including a shorty that their previously stellar PK wouldn’t have allowed. Clean it up, Hawks, or pack it up early in the playoffs. And if you’re ousted before Patrick Kane comes back, I’ll shit in every pair of your skates and gloves except his. On second thought, Kane should do that if you make him wait till October to play again.

I still haven’t been Twitter blocked by the Jets. They’re probably stupid enough to think I’m just good-naturedly chirping them. These shitholes have no fucking clue.

 

HOTTEST TAKE

hot malort take

Tomorrow: fuck the Kings.

Updated: March 29, 2015 — 10:15 pm

1 Comment

  1. It’s a shame you don’t have many readers, because this obsessed, emotionally stunted Superfan gimmick you have created is pure gold. Well done!

Comments are closed.

© HOCKEE NIGHT 2008-2014, all rights reserved. Frontier Theme