HOCKEE NIGHT

The Malört of Hockey Blogs

VIEW FROM THE TOP: Chicago Blackhawks

 

After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it).  But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard!  Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.

The Chicago Blackhawks have won three Stanley Cups since the Salary Cap began. However, the Salary Cap has been their undoing, as they have had to continuously jettison quality players in order to carry large contracts for the players who were instrumental in that success.

FORWARDS:

They’ve got Patrick Kane, who just lost the guy who enabled him to become the first American to win the Art Ross Trophy. Kane also has a pattern of being in the news for off-ice episodes every three years, so next summer he’s due. They’ve got Jonathan Toews, who has had so many concussions that when you ask him about it, he says, “Thursday”. They brought back Brandon Saad in the Panarin trade and Patrick Sharp on a hometown discount, making them the only team to pick up as many former Blackhawks as the Carolina Hurricanes. Artem Anisimov only needs  to get to the front of the net to pick up loose change, but it takes him about 5 minutes to get there. Alex DeBrincat will get a chance to make the team after three straight 50 goal seasons in the OHL.However, questions about his work ethic kept him off Team USA for last year’s World Juniors. Marian Hossa will not play this season, due to his allergy to grinding it out for one million dollars.

DEFENSE:

They’re banking on Connor Murphy to replace Niklas Hjalmarsson. They had to trade Hjalmarsson as part of a cap management move, since they have to carry the albatross that is  Brent Seabrook’s contract.

GOALTENDING:

Corey Crawford will spend another season playing far better than 75% of Blackhawks’ fans will tell you he is.

MUNDANE FACT:

Blackhawks fans have the annoying habit of calling anybody who they don’t like “bandwagon fans”, which will still last 10 years after their last Stanley Cup.

ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE LAS VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS:

Thursday.

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