HOCKEE NIGHT

The Malört of Hockey Blogs

VIEW FROM THE TOP: Colorado Avalanche

After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it).  But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard!  Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.

What everyone will do to Colorado

“Forward, the Light Brigade!”
Was there a man dismayed?
Not though the soldier knew
   Someone had blundered.
   Theirs not to make reply,
   Theirs not to reason why,
   Theirs but to do and die.
   Into the valley of Death
   Rode the six hundred.
Bet Tennyson didn’t know he was writing about the Colorado Avalanche when he wrote that. Years of inept front office management have left this one-proud franchise nothing more than an aggregate of former first rounders, reclamation projects and fry cooks all hoping to get called into the coach’s office to be told they’ve been traded. Friends, this is one terrible hockey team.

FORWARDS:

As C’s dad said in “A Bronx Tale”, there’s nothing worse than wasted talent. Nathan McKinnon, Gabriel Landeskog and Matt Duchene all have the skills to be really good NHL forwards. But being surrounded by guys who are better suited to be sideshow attractions have made them all unproductive. Their big gets this summer? Colin Wilson and Nail Yakupov.

DEFENSE:

In 2006, Erik Johnson was ranked first overall by the Central Scouting Bureau prior to the draft. The Blues then picked him first overall. This is what you call a multi-system failure. Then after some illustrious years in St. Louis where he was constantly being reminded that he was picked ahead of guys like Jonathan Toews and Fill, he added to his story by missing a season after flipping a golf cart. Since he’s been in Colorado, he’s had plenty of time to work on golf cart safety. Tyson Barrie is little.

GOALTENDING:

They are looking to Jonathan Bernier to solidify goaltending along with wife-beating sack of crap Semyon Varlamov. They better send someone to Home Depot to buy a pallet of light bulbs for the goal lamps.

MUNDANE FACT:

GM Joe Sakic has proven to be as capable at operating a hockey team as he is at operating a snow blower.

ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE LAS VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS:

They’re not even as good as last year’s Knights, when they had no players.

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