HOCKEE NIGHT

The Malört of Hockey Blogs

VIEW FROM THE TOP: Dallas Stars

After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it).  But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard!  Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.

Jim Nill, King of the Offseason.

 

A couple years ago, it looked like the Dallas Stars had finally put it all together. In fact, each summer you can count on articles written about how Jim Nill has “won the offseason”. They’ve never done a whole lot in the season season, but now they’ve replaced Martin Mull doppelganger Lindy Ruff with Arby’s Enthusiast Ken Hitchcock behind the bench, so…

FORWARDS:

Tyler Seguin was a guy who everyone thought would be the next Patrick Kane. Unfortunately, he’s got all Kane’s bad stuff without enough of his good stuff. Jamie Benn is good. Their big offseason pickups for up front were Martin Handzal and Donald Radulov. Good luck with that.

DEFENSE:

Getting Knights Legend Marc Methot was a nice pickup to help Yukon Cornelius lookalike Jordy Benn on the blueline. After that, it gets ugly. The world is still waiting for Stephen Johns to happen.

GOALTENDING:

Instead of going with two shitty goalies, they are going with one shitty goalie and one who is injury prone. Ben Bishop will improve their goaltending only until he breaks into a million pieces.

MUNDANE FACT:

The number of teams where Ken Hitchcock has coached is almost equal to the number of chins he has.

ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE LAS VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS:

Bless your heart.

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