HOCKEE NIGHT

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View From The Top: Detroit Red Wings

The classics never get old.

After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it).  But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard!  Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.

The Detroit Red Wings are in trouble.  They only managed 79 points last year despite spending roughly one billion dollars on their roster.  I mean, I haven’t seen so much overpriced crap since I went to that massive souvenir store in Myrtle Beach (Ed Note: Jesus Christ!). I’m starting to wonder if Ken Holland handed out these long term contracts because he wants some of these guys to be buried in his tomb with him.

FORWARDS:

Henrik Zetterberg remains the captain, remains productive and remains dreamy.  After him and Anthony Mantha though…woof.  Fork and I used to do a bit on the Puckcast where’d we just read through Calgary or Vancouver’s cap numbers and laugh for 45 minutes and we may have a new contender. $5.25MM for Frans Nielsen? $5.3MM for Tomas Tartarsauce? Donald Helm is being paid real currency in exchange for hockey playing? Meanwhile, I’m still waiting for Holland to announce that Justin Abdelkader’s entire career is just a massive practical joke that he’s playing on Detroit fans. Luke Glendening has still not been traded for Adam Clendening.

DEFENSE:

Niklas Kronwall is going to blossom into Nik Lidstrom any minute now. And what do you do for an encore when giving Danny DeKeyser a hilariously bad extension and signing Mike Green doesn’t fix your defense? If you guessed throw 3 years at Trevor Daley, please report to Detroit to accept the position of Assistant General Manager.

GOALTENDERS:

The Wings are spending $9MM on Jimmy Howard (who they hate) and Peter Mrazek who I’m sure they’re working on hating.

MUNDANE FACT:

Grover Nyquist constantly annoys his teammates by badgering them to sign his Taxpayer Protection Pledge while simultaneously screaming at them about how the rights of vapers everywhere are endangered by the encroachment of big government.

ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE LAS VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS:

No: you don’t have to spend a lot of money to be this bad, but it sure makes it funnier.

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