If you hadn’t heard already, Sunday was my birthday. I was having a good day – I slept in, got lunch from the local diner, and the weather wasn’t unseasonable. I thought “This’ll be a great day if the Blackhawks win!”
Hahahaha lololol who am I fucking kidding.
They knew it was my birthday because I’d tweeted that to them. I’d even said that my goal was to have a puck from a goal they scored in this game as a birthday present. It ended up like a remake of Sixteen Candles, where I was Sam and the Hawks were my fucking stupid family.
Sigh. Let’s get this gross business over with.
Other than The Little Idiot keeping the Wild from shutting out the Hawks, there was nothing good about this game, so I’ll tell you about the amazing burger I had from the Steel Trolley Diner here in town. They make these “Signature Burgers”, some of which have won really prestigious burger awards. This one, the Rodeo Burger, is a patty covered in ranch dressing and housemade barbecue sauce and topped with two onion rings. It was so big that I had to cut it in quarters to eat it. Like a lot of their burgers, it requires napkins and strategic eating. Weep at its epicness and know that it was fucking delicious. 10/10 get your fucking asses to this diner and eat the fuck outta this thing.
You know, I take it back. There was another good thing about the game: the weather was just cold and cloudy enough to keep it on schedule.
This was not Brent Seabrook’s finest hour, and the rest of the defense was fucking awful. Why hast thou forsaken thy team?
Memo to Corey Crawford, re: the first goal: when you stop the puck, you don’t fucking stare at it so the other team can grab the rebound and score on you. You cover it and say “fuck outta here, you lousy car freshener-looking dipshits”. Work on that for fuck’s sake.
Andrew Shaw. That is all.
I know it wasn’t intentional, but Michal Rozsival’s elbow on Matt Zucker was ew. It was worse because Zucker’s head bounced off the ice. Do I think it warranted a misconduct penalty? Maybe not. A five minute penalty, sure. Was the aftermath bad? Of course. But unless he mouthed off to the refs, I really don’t think he should’ve been ejected.
My sister taunted me mercilessly. “Your team su-ucks.” No shit, I could see that.
Masterton Trophy winner Devan Dubnyk totally graduated from the Mike Smith School of Goaltender Acting and High Drama. That “I’ve been shot” flop after Jonathan Toews bumped his mask was Oscar worthy.
Since it was my birthday, have a hot take from me:
Hawks host the Perds on Thursday. Hossa help us all.