HOCKEE NIGHT

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NOVEMBER SPAWNED A MONSTER: Blackhawks 0, Jets 1

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The Blackhawks played the wretched, diseased assbags known as the Winnipeg Jets tonight. Speaking of diseases, I’m surprised that United Center didn’t pass out prophylactic antibiotics ahead of the game, since there’s a rampant outbreak of syphilis in Winnipeg right now. Have you ever seen syphilis in the untreated tertiary stage? Lesson learned, kids: you don’t want to walk around with Swiss cheese for brains, so wrap it up or end up like the Winnipeg Jets.

On the back end of back-to-back games, the Blackhawks decided to have a “eh, fuck this shit” attitude for the game. I guess they were more interested in seeing that idiot walk the tightrope. Giving a shutout to some nobody is a great fucking way to spend a Sunday evening. Thanks to this game, the meatball Jets fanbase will be planning their imaginary Cup parade through the mean streets of Hellhole, where they’ll hit all of Itchy’s drug corners in homage.

Special shoutout to Andrew “Atlanta doesn’t have enough hockey fans for my taste” Ladd. Eat shit, trash.

P.S. Fuck you, Zach Bogosian, my eyebrow game is better than yours.

 

THE GOOD:

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I got nothin’.

 

THE BAD:

Even though Donald the Backup was playing, Foley yapped about how well Ondrej Pavelec’s been doing. Other than his agent, who in the crispy shitting fuck thinks that? They’ve only played 11 games. Please remember all this praise now so we can point it out when he’s tanked in about a month. His best season was back in 2010-11, and it’s currently haunting the durian fruit display at the Buford Highway Farmer’s Market.

Why, in the name of Baby Jesus Tapdancing Christ on Triscuits, was Shaw back at 2C with Kane even for a little while? Haven’t we discussed how stupid that is? Well, it fucking is.

We all wanted Rundblad in place of Rozsival. We got it tonight. At least he’s not one step from the glue factory, right?

Neveau had a good suggestion: why not put TVR on the power play instead of Richards? Even my friend – a Rangers fan – says he shouldn’t be on the point.

 

THE UGLY:

This game was traumatic. When a former Blackhawk scores on Crawford 20 goddamn seconds into the game, you know you’re in for a long, shitty night. Unfuckingacceptable, especially against Itchy’s minions. How long will the “We sucked for two periods, omg we have to play hockey” narrative last before it bites them in the ass? My guess: not long.

Dustin Byfuglien punched Patrick Kane in the head. That only leaves Taters as my Former Blackhawk Who’s Now A Jet to like. Meanwhile, Big Buff can eat shit with fellow penisloaf Ladd.

 

HOT TAKE:

hot take

 

UP NEXT:

The Blackhawks are heading back to Canada to face the Habs (who lost to the Flames, wtf) on Tuesday. Corey Crawford will spend Monday night scarfing down poutine at La Banquise (which everyone should do, but don’t be a dick and order sauce on the side).

Updated: November 2, 2014 — 10:50 pm

2 Comments

  1. Habs lost to the Flames eh…no bigggie, this Hawks club couldn’t beat the Flames either.

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