HOCKEE NIGHT

The Malört of Hockey Blogs

NOW I AM A WAS: Blackhawks 5, Fake Jets 4 (OT)

eject

I’m a bit sad that this is the last hatecap of the season. It feels like I haven’t vented my anger enough this year. Where did the time go?

Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, swiftly flow the days….

Anyway, as we celebrate the downfall and early tee times of this pathetic waste of a relocation fee, we must temper it with the realization that this Hawks team is shitty and in poor health, literally. They’re either barfy or injured, and this sucks worse than that time Claude Noel benched Ondrej Pavelec six shots into the first period back in 2011. Let’s top that fucked up sundae with the moldy cherry that is Duncan Keith’s incredibly poor life choice, and the 24+ hours the Hawks spent in Hellhole were made even more gross and uncomfortable. No, they will not accept the moose piss cocktails and bedtime moose fucking, even if the hotel makes them complementary.

Grab yourself some Malört and settle in.

 

THE GOOD

The Little Loaf That Could broke his nine-game drought with a power play goal. Bonus: it broke a streak where they hadn’t scored on the power play in 26 tries. Then he scored the final game tying goal in regulation and had two assists to boot. How do you say “boner time” in Russian?

All hail Brent Seabrook, Sir #FruitAndCrap, and his OT winning goal. He did it for Duncs, you see. They’re soulmates.

Manshitter scored?!

Yeah, Manshitter scored.

 

THE BAD

G*d (Marian Hossa) was sick, so thanks to whoever breathed their disease on him. I hope he blesses you with boils before smiting you.

As though we need more injuries, Andrew “Seagull but Mostly an Albatross” Shaw is out with an upper body injury. I’d say it was a lack of a brain, but he’s been skating without one for years. The reason I call him Seagull is thanks to Ray Ferraro’s story of Al Arbour calling him that years ago – Arbour said when he wasn’t shitting, he was talking. That describes Shaw perfectly.

Hurry the fuck up and heal, Corey Crawford. Someone do some Mr. Miyagi shit on him to bring him back.

The only really good line tonight was Manshitter-Teravainen-Weise. When will the other three lines return from the war or wherever the hell they wandered? It makes me sad to have to praise Manshitter so much. I wanna puke now.

I’m still leery about the special units. I get this nauseous feeling and start having flashbacks of the infamous Post-Passover Food Poisoning of 2010. If it keeps fluctuating, I’ll be curled up on the bathroom floor again bargaining with G*d to keep me from the major abdominal surgery I had imagined would happen. That week still haunts me.

 

THE UGLY

I wasn’t sure whether to list this under this category or “bad”. Duncan Keith had his hearing today and was given a six game suspension, which started tonight. That means he’ll miss Game 1 of the first round against whoever they face. It doesn’t matter what Charlie Coyle did, you don’t fucking hit people with your stick. I was surprised that he didn’t get more.

Dustin Byfuglien is Winnimpreg’s nominee for the Masterton, and of course fans bitched and moaned that he was picked over Blake Wheeler. Another case of white tears and “reverse racism”. I’d nominate Buff simply for being a black man living in Canada’s Most Racist City.

Hearing about Byfuglien’s nomination reminds me of when they nominated Pavelec because he didn’t bitch about being a backup goalie and gave good pull quotes. I still can’t wrap my head around that shit.

How the fuck do I get the stupid creatures running the Jets twitter account to block me? Come the fuck on, you asinine, shit-licking moose fuckers, do your jobs. Muting me will only piss me off.

 

HOTTEST TAKES

Yes, yes they are:

moose piss and everclear

 

One last thing. April is Autism Awareness Month, or as I call it, “Jesus fucking Christ, I am aware that I have autism, now fucking treat me like a human being” month. Oh wait, that’s every fucking month, but it’s even worse in April. Instead of supporting Autism Speaks – seriously, it’s like the Jets and the Blues had a grotesque spawn and called it a charity – do the following:

  1. Take the Autism Acceptance Month pledge
  2. If you can, donate to groups that are run by and for autistics, such as the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network and the Autistic Women’s Network

 

Next up: a matinee game against the Bruins, aka That Time I Forced Myself to Hate Patrice Bergeron.

FUCK WINNIPEG.

Updated: April 2, 2016 — 11:49 am

3 Comments

  1. This deserves a goddamn Orson Welles applauding gif except for one thing. What the fuck is it with putting an asterisk instead of the “o” in God? If he/she exists, do you honestly think you’re fooling him/her into thinking you’re not breaking whichever commandment it is that forbids the use of his/her fucking name? Jesus fucking Christ, grow a pair.

    1. You know I’m Jewish, right?

      From judaism.about.com:

      “The custom of substituting the word “God” with G-d in English is based on the traditional practice in Jewish law of giving God’s Hebrew name a high degree of respect and reverence. When written or printed, God’s Hebrew name (and many of the stand in names used to refer to God) cannot be erased or destroyed.

      There is no prohibition in Jewish law against writing out or erasing the word ‘God’ in English. However, many Jews have afforded the word ‘God’ with the same level of respect as the Hebrew equivalents. Because of this, many Jews substitute ‘God’ with G-d so that they can erase or dispose of the writing without showing disrespect to God.”

  2. Great recap.

    Why do you dislike Andrew Ladd?

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