The Malört of Hockey Blogs

Capital Crapfest: Blackhawks 0, Caps 4


Tonight the Blackhawks, who are locked into 3rd place in Conference III, played a hockey game. That game was against Alex Ovechkin and the golf course-bound Washington Capitals. Hopefully, you had something better to do than to watch this game.

This was a game that was as exciting as ceaseless missionary position, and as meaningful as a Nickelback lyric. Speaking of Nickelback, did I hear a song of theirs being used in a playoff promo on CSN? Because I’m not okay with that. That’s fucking aural abuse. [Note: I might have mistaken another terrible band for Nickelback, in which case I don’t apologize, because it was terrible.]

So how’d the game go? The best part of it was when I took off my bra. Unfortunately, that was after Marcus Kruger took a holding penalty 1:03 into the first and Ovechkin did what he does and scored on the ensuing power play. After that, I started making delicious bourbon drinks and it was all downhill from there. You want a play-by-play recap? You’re in the wrong place, suckah.

But seriously, here is a list of things about which you care more than you care about this game:

Princess Kate’s shiny, shiny hair
The Twilight Saga
Where the umlauts go in Teuvo Teräväinen’s name
@midnight hashtag wars
Whether you look fat in those jeans
Corey Crawford’s neck beard [C U NEXT WEEK!]
Meeting Big Cheyenne
Getting another drink

I guess since you’re reading this, I should put out:

The Innocent
: Are any of us really innocent? Certainly, those of us who have attended Gonna Drinken (TOMORROW NIGHT, GALWAY BAY, BE THERE) would receive no acquittal.

The best Blackhawks’ move of the night was resting Duncan Norris. And Jeremy Morin put his best foot forward in his quest for playoff ice time, doing everything you’d want the kid to do, aside from scoring.

The Indicted: When was the last time Kris Versteeg lived up to the excitement that followed his trade back to the Windy City? “Dammit Versteeg” is funny and all, but the playoffs start next week and he’s bound to get plenty of TOI. He needs to produce more than guffaws.

The Guilty: Me. I didn’t give a shit about this game, and it shows in this recap. Not a single Dustin Penner-is-a-dickpincher joke? No quips about Adam Oates eating the souls of virgins? I apologize.

Next up: the Blackhawks in their regular season finale take on the Predators in Nashville, and Hockeenight and crew takes on the bar at Galway Bay for Gonna Drinken. You should join us. I’ll be there, but more importantly so will Big Cheyenne! Come out and do some Malort shots for a good cause!

Updated: October 31, 2014 — 12:15 pm
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