HOCKEE NIGHT

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VIEW FROM THE TOP: Los Angeles Kings

The Kings front office brainstorming

After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it).  But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard!  Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.

With the Kings missing the playoffs for the 2nd time in 3 years, the franchise made the hard choice and fired GM Dean Lombardi and head coach Darryl Sutter. Luckily they just happened to have a former coach of the year sitting around so they hired John Stevens for that job. They also employed Rob Blake, so they made him GM. Will any of this work? Well, the good news is nobody in LA gives a shit.

FORWARDS:

Honestly, the forward corps is pretty good. I love me some Anze Kopitar and hopefully he’ll bounce back from last season. Jeff Carter is good, but a shithead. Tyler Toffoli and Tanner Pearson are only 25 years old despite having been in the league since the 80’s. Dustin Brown is still captain which means another season of Kings’ fans insisting that he’s an actual hockey player and not a crusty tube sock stuffed with cat hair that somebody drew a face on. Remember when LA signed Marian Gaborik to an extension and everyone was like “that’s a good move if Gaborik stays healthy”? Well, it wasn’t a good move.

DEFENSEMEN

Like most teams the Kings have assembled half a decent defense group in Drew Doughty, Alex Martinez and Jake Muzzin. The rest I know nothing about but since LA won’t be giving any minutes to Tom Gilbert and Matt Greene this year I’m going to call it an improvement.

GOALTENDER

There are only 6 years left on Jonathan Quick’s hilariously stupid contract extension. Even Marian Gaborik is like “dude, that’s a bad contract”. Darcy Kuemper is the backup goaltender, and is about a year from being the picture that appears next to that term in the dictionary.

MUNDANE FACT

I can’t think of anything, so let’s see what @hockeytweetbot has to say about the Kings:

 

Huh. I guess it’s too bad they hired the guy from The Love Guru instead.

ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE LAS VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS?

They’ll be better than last year, but the Knights didn’t miss the playoffs last year.

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