After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it). But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard! Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.
The most Donaldesque of all the Donald Teams in the NHL, the Minnesota
Donalds Wild finished with a franchise-high 106 points and second place in the Central last year. They then got directly bounced in four by the Blues, which must have made a nice change for Bruce Boudreau. There are some who are picking them as cup contenders. These people are grotesquely wrong.
The Wild finally shifted $5.6m Bucket of Sick Jason Pominville to Buffalo [along with actually-useful Marco Scandella] for the $4.6m Concussed Bucket of Sick Tyler Ennis and also Donald Foligno. Nothing says “potential” like a couple of Sabres.
Zach Pari$e’s numbers are falling off a cliff so it’s a good thing he’s signed until *checks watch* … the Heat Death of the Universe at a bargain rate of $7.5m per. Seriously, he’s not even half way through his contract yet.
Mikko Koivu is still there for some reason.
Mikael Granlund and Ned Nedlandereiter are pretty good.
Matt Cullen is one of a handful of active players older than me, although ‘active’ might be stretching it.
The miles are beginning to tell on Ryan $uter, who hasn’t left the ice in three years. He, too, is signed for another seven years and boy, Chuck Fletcher is a genous isn’t he?
Offensive Juggernaut Jonas Brodin will find himself carrying a heavy load too, as will useful midget Donald Spurgeon.
Matt Dumba continues to improve and is in a (RFA) contract year as his bridge deal expires.
Kyle Quincey is old and bad.
Donald Dubnyk has just come off two seasons when he’s played 67 & 65 regular season games, his highest since 47 in 2011. He’s 40 now and it remains to be seen of he can maintain his 9.23 Sv% from last year. If not, it’s the Sensational Alex Stalock Band.
Everything about the Wild is mundane, but if I have to pick one I’ll go for the fact that Donald Spurgeon and Tyler Ennis are the bestest of best buddies and used to go on holidays in Alberta together as kids, where they’d sit in snowdrifts and go fishing for raccoons and whatever else it is that they do up there.
ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE KNIGHTS?
Is the St. Paul sandwich from the Twin Cities?