HOCKEE NIGHT

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View From The Top: New York Islanders

Something BIG seen in Uniondale.

After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it).  But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard!  Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.

When we started this feature a few years ago, Fork and I wondered if we’d get much reaction from opposing fanbases. Most seemed to take it in stride, or just ignore us (always a good strategy) but there was one team’s fans who seemed to take umbrage. You’d think it would be that of a hated division rival, but no, I accidentally called John Tavares “Jonathan” once and Isles fans have been swearing vengeance ever since. They had just returned to the playoffs, were on the way up, and they’d laugh at us from the mountaintop.

So, 4 years later, how did that all work out?

FORWARDS

The Isles have some good offensive forwards in Tavares and Anders Lee. So naturally the two guys they have locked up in long term contracts are Cal Clutterbuck (HA!) and Andrew Ladd who has HOLY SHIT 6 years at $5.5MM. This is not…this is not good. They did manage to trade for Jordan Eberle in the offseason, giving up only Ryan Strome who may or may not be actually exist.

DEFENSE

Nick Leddy is a goddamn stud and the Blackhawks were fucking stupid to trade him for basically nothing. That out of the way, Johnny Boychuk is solid but getting old. Thomas Hickey was great as the eccentric old man on Wings. Dennis Seidenberg has all the mobility of a listing battleship.

GOALTENDING

The Isles have two goalies: Jaroslav Halak and Thomas Greiss who is just Halak wearing a comical mustache. Seriously, these are the exact same player.

MUNDANE FACT

For years the Isles blamed poor attendance on their shitty, run-down stadium in Nassau. Two years ago they moved to Brooklyn, which was going to cure all those ills and they are now 3rd to last in attendance in part because the Barclay’s Center is one of the most comically bad places to watch a game in the history of everything. Now it’s being reported that the franchise has been talking with Nassau County again. I fully expect the team to announce that for the 2018-19 season they will begin playing in a hockey-only facility located in John Spano’s basement.

ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS?

You’re horseshit guys.

1 Comment

  1. That graphic needs to be a t-shirt.

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