After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it). But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard! Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.
It’s a lasting delusion among New Yorkers that just because they live in one of the ‘Great’ cities of the world then, by some weird extension, their sports teams are eternally relevant. This, therefore, justifies their hideous, cannibalistic sports media microscope. Let’s have a look at the most recent championships by teams with NY in their name, despite the actual New Jersey location of the most successful ones in modern times (and also the Jets). Is this the year that Alain V get’s an Ol’ Yellering? Yes, yes it is.
In this offseason, the second of the new Gorton era at GM, they offloaded one of the worst contracts in the league and added a stud defenseman on a “Hometown Discount”. Shall we see how that stacks up against the juggernaut rising in the Nevada desert? Lets.
This is as an uninspiring lot as you could possibly imagine. Let’s look at the Centres**, first.
Mike Zinan..Zabin..Zebanji… Mikey Z is as close to a #1 C as they have. He’s just got new paper and is making serious money over a five-year term. He’s also injury-prone and not all that good. Behind him you’ve got Noted Stairwell Pooper Kevin “Fuck That Guy***” Hayes who would be about treading water at #4C and then David Desharnais who belongs in the AHL at this point. JT Miller is kind of good but he’s on a hiding to nothing here.
On the wings you have the least-Norwegian-sounding Hobbit ever, Alleged-Wiener-Tucker Nash**** and Michael Grabner who used to play for the NY team with actual Stanley Cup kudos since the Ford Administration but who I’ve never forgiven for screwing up some of my fantasy teams by getting hurt or failing to live up to his promise.
The former-Blue Shattenkevin is an excellent d-man. He’s clearly the bargain of the free-agency period.
He’s also surrounded by crud.
They traded whatever is left of Derrick Stepan and Antti Raanta for puck-driving young D-Man and likely runner for Big Louie, Jersey’s own Anthony D’Angelo. Yes, that guy who got suspended in the OHL for calling a team-mate a “Faggot” and then got suspended again in the NHL for assaulting a linesman. Bet he’s going to be great and an advertisement for the game and also his uncle Joey’s place down on the shore.
Tedious stat-wanking trolls like Ryan Lambert love to blame team failure on goalies yet can pull enough numbers out of their arse to whine about HENRAK******* not getting a cup because he plays behind shit teams. HENRAK******* is a great goalie. Age is starting to catch up and having a more puck-driving D in front probably won’t help his numbers.. but he’s still great and so…damn… hunky.
They’ll miss Raanta’s reminiscing about patrolling the Karelian Isthmus on his National Service.
The Rangers apparently got their nickname from a Dad-Pun on ‘Texas Rangers’… (Tex’s Rangers from original owner Tex Pickard). So, a paramilitary unit that massacred Native Americans, fought for the Confederacy and also were quite sexy in Justified.
ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE KNIGHTS?:
Only in the way that New York Style Pizza is better than hooker phlegm on a cardboard box out the back of Caesar’s******
**Yes, I spell it Canadian/Euro style. Fuck you, that’s why.
*** Famous Puckcast
****: Credit to McClure
*****: Credit to Slak/FFUD
******: Which is not at all.
*******: Credit to Stabley Cap