HOCKEE NIGHT

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VIEW FROM THE TOP: Tampa Bay Lightning

After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it).  But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard!  Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.

Man, I’m not sure why I volunteered to take the Lightning again this year, but here we are. Tampa had a somewhat strange 20136-147 season, losing Steven Stamkos for a large swath of it with a broken leg torn meniscus, and having their newly named Captain Martin St. Louis their Number 1 draft pick Jonathan Drouin finally force his way out of town because his General Manager didn’t name him to the Olympic team and then later did. reasons?  Also, Ben Bishop played his way into the Vezina picture got traded for Peter Budaj, then got injured in April leaving Anders Lindback to be curb stomped by Montreal in the first round of the playoffs.

Oh and Ryan Malone got busted for DUI possession of cocaine and was promptly bought out in the offseason at some point too.

FORWARDS:

Steven Stamkos is fucking awesome.  And the Rays Bolts(?) has some other fun players in Valtteri Filppula Nikita Kucherov and Ondrej Palat.  Jonathan Drouin will likely make the team but has been set back by a broken thumb in training camp be booed in Montreal.  Brendan Morrow Chris Kunitz is the answer to the question “What if Michal Handzus was Canadian should we do with this extra two million dollars?”.  I don’t really care about any of the rest of this crap, although the BucsLights resigned still employ Ryan Callahan because when you trade your captain for a guy you just have to do shit like that.

DEFENSEMEN:

Victor Hedman looks promising excellent.  The rest?  I don’t know, Matt Carle, Anton Stralman and Mattias Ohlund Braydon Coburn are all…fine?  Not fine?  I don’t really know and I don’t care enough about the Rays to even type their name correctly.  Eric Brewer’s Dan Girardi’s on the team.  Really, Eric Brewer Dan Girardi.  Seriously.  I know.

GOALTENDERS:

Ben Bishop Andrei Vasilevskiy appears to be a damn good goalie.  Or at least a very large one.  Evgeni Nabokov Peter Budaj is a goddamn tire fire.

MUNDANE FACT:

Eric Brewer is the only person on earth to be banned for life from The Gathering of Juggalos. For some reason, Vincent Lecavalier still shows up on the buyout chart for Tampa, but at a $0 cap hit. Fascinating.

OUTLOOK:

Pretty good okay, actually maybe, assuming they can keep everyone Stamkos healthy from falling down an empty well.

ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS:

Nope, sorry, but I think they’re good enough to win the Eastern Conference make the playoffs.  Which puts them on par with like, Minnesota.

 

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