The Malört of Hockey Blogs

VIEW FROM THE TOP: San Jose Sharks


Sharknadoes are never seen diring the postseason.

Sharknadoes are never seen diring the postseason.


Now that the Chicago Blackhawks have loaned the Stanley Cup to Los Angeles for the year, it’s time for us to once again peruse the various also-rans in the NHL before the Hawks get down to the formality of reclaiming the Cup in June 2015. We continue our series with the San Jose Sharks.

Remember in “Office Space”, when Peter just stops giving a fuck, and just comes into work each day and spaces out not caring if he gets fired or not? That’s what Sharks’ GM Doug Wilson did this summer. After blowing a 3-0 series lead to the eventual Stanley Cup placeholder Los Angeles Kings, Wilson decided the missing piece was…John Scott? Look, nobody loves Dougie more than I do, but he’s clearly mailing it in at this point.

After the floparoo in the playoffs, Wilson said the Sharks were “a tomorrow team”. He talked about rebuilding, but he found out the contracts he gave Joe Thornton and Patrick Marleau were very undesirable by any team that was looking to improve. So it turns out that in reality they are a day-after-tomorrow team.

So, with the exception of the Murdersaurus, the Sharks woud up standing pat. In fact, the only change they made was announcing they were taking the C off Thornton?s chest, and there would be no alternate captains going into training camp either. How will this work out for them? Will P.K. Subban be an alternate for them on the nights he’s not one in Montreal? Let’s take a look…


Still a pretty good group. Kris Versteeg lookalike Joe Pavelski – better known as “the one fucking guy from Wisconsin the Hawks didn’t draft” – will score a bunch of goals skating between Donald Hertl and Matt Nieto. At least we can look forward to Hertl doing something that will piss Don Cherry off. Thornton will still center Marleau and Ed Olczyk mancrush Tommy Wingels, all while his lovejones never sees the lights of the Shark Tank. But after that, the dropoff is pretty steep. Logan Couture is a pretty decent number three center skating between some man-goo. They might wind up dressing Adam Burish regularly. That won’t end well for coach Patton Oswalt.


Slak doppelganger Brent Burns and Marc-Edouard Vlasic are the top two, and are pretty decent. In fact, Vlasic is one of the top ten blueliners in the league. After that? Woof. Jason Demers, some dude, another dude, and some other dude will make up the second and third pairs. The decision to not bring Dan Boyle back is going to sting. Have we mentioned John Scott enough? No we have not.


Antti Niemi was a Vezina candidate two years ago. Last year, not so much. After a less-than-stellar regular season, the Kings took turns shooting beach balls past him while coming back from the 3 games to 0 defecit. This season he’s actually being told by Coach Oswalt that he has to compete for his job. If he dosn’t bounce back it’s not going to be a pleasant season in the Shark Tank.


Sharks need to keep swimming to survive. These Sharks stopped swimming after Game 3 of the first round, and still haven’t resumed swimming. They’ve still got enough talent to get into the playoffs, but their Cup window was boarded up a couple years ago, now it’s behind bricks.


Raffi Torres is more vile than a baby’s diarrhea after eating too many blueberries.


No way, San Jose.

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