After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it). But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard! Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.
The San Jose Sharks. Just their name conjures up feelings of…well…nothing. What a nothing goddamn team this is right now.
Much like Joe Thornton, I’m very very tired. So tired. Will this be the year that Jumbo Joe is traded at the deadline (yes)? Is this the year that Tomas Hertl is actually good again? Logan Couture has too many “u”‘s in his name. I feel like he’s hiding something. Mikkel Boedker makes more money than Joel Ward? What the fuck? Remember when Joe Pavelski and Kris Versteeg were statistically similar as well as physically identical? What a time to be alive.
I once said that Duncan Keith looks like he won the World Series of Bum Fights. Well, Brett Burns looks like the guy he beat in the 2nd round. Burns still has 14 years left on his contract which is good news for the pack of feral dogs he sleeps with in the alley behind the SAP Center. The rest of the defense is also signed long term so hopefully they’ll all learn to correctly spell Marc-Eduoeard Vlasic in the next few years. Donald Dillon and Paul Martin are made up people. Justin Braun is the heir to an electric razor fortune.
How do you feel about Martin Jones and Aaron Dell? Let me tell you: you don’t. You can’t feel anything in fact. All hope is lost, this life, this hockey team is pointless.
Everyone thinks they can find San Jose on a map, but they’re wrong. It’s not where you think it is. Not even close. No, you’re pointing to San Francisco. And that’s Sacramento. Just give up already.
ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS?
They’re not even better than this preview I wrote, and it’s fucking putrid.