HOCKEE NIGHT

The Malört of Hockey Blogs

VIEW FROM THE TOP: Vancouver Canucks

Daniel’s looking BIG

 

After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it).  But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard!  Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.

Everyone knows the most effective way to rebuild a franchise:

  1. Suck for a few years.
  2. Load up on high draft picks.
  3. Develop the guys you drafted.

 

Then there’s the Vancouver Canucks way:

  1. Suck for a few years.
  2. Get a bunch of veterans who were never much of anything to begin with.
  3. Keep rolling two future Hall of Famers that you’re stuck with since they’re a package deal.
  4. Suck for a few more years.

Should be swell, right? Let’s take a look…

FORWARDS:

Thing 1 and Thing 2 are good for maybe 50ish points a year each. They went out and dropped some cheddar to get Sam Gagner and Alexander Burmistrov, because they seem to think two third line centers can equal one second line center. Bo Horvat is a good young player, but when you miss the playoffs three out of four years, you shouldn’t be using the phrase “good young playr”, it should be something plural.

 

DEFENSE:

Remember when they gave all that money to Loui Eriksson? That was awesome. They’re throwing Michael Del Zotto back there, because why not? They are probably looking at Knights Legend Luca Sbisa with nostalgic longing in their hearts. Folks, this is one shitty bunch of defensemen. At least it sayd “defenseman” on their hockey cards.

 

GOALTENDING:

They’ve got Anders Nilsson, whose official height is listed as “I didn’t know they could stack shit that high.” Watch Canucks’ road games, and you’re pretty much guaranteed of having every NHL team’s goal music memorized by season’s end.

MUNDANE FACT:

Loui Eriksson makes $6 million a year, and still can’t buy the vowel his first name is missing from PAt Sajak.

ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS:

Good thing the folks in British Columbia have BC Nugs to numb what will be an awful hockey season.

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