After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it). But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard! Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.
It’s that time again, my friends: time to flex my hatred for this team from Hellhole, Manitoba and teach new Knights fans how abjectly putrid the Jets are. The former Thrashers came out of last season with a Heritage Classic game that pissed off everyone who’s smart enough to know that the Old Jets are the legacy of the Coyotes (Teemu Selanne did not play for the Thrashers). The Knights better put a lockdown on their history as it plays out, or the Winnipeg Revisionist Histories will try to steal it.
Patrik Laine had a good year and was their best player last season, which is a huge accomplishment and will most likely diminish as his soul is quietly crushed. You can see it in the eyes of Blake Wheeler and Bryan Little. Where there was once joy, there is now bitterness, moose shit and moldy Timbits.
Speaking of the traditional Winnipeg Welcome Kit, Matt Hendricks has signed with the Fake Jets. I’m sure he’ll give it the old college try before deeply regretting his decision to sign with this hopeless black hole of an organization.
The Knights gained Chris Thorburn after the Jets left him exposed, but then he made the terrible life choice of signing with the Blues as a free agent. Other than that tidbit, Dustin Byfuglien and the rest of the defense couldn’t hold back a beer league team.
With Ondrej Pavelec getting the fuck outta that little shithole on the prairie, the mantel of starting goalie/only real line of defense falls on Connor Hellebuyck. He was good last season, but not good enough. You then have Mediocre/Slightly Better Backup Michael Hutchinson waiting to be put in as soon as poor Connor gets lit up like a menorah on the last night of Hanukkah. Steve Mason is also a backup. Excuse me while I try not to piss myself while laughing at this bunch of hacks.
They drink more Slurpees in Winnipeg than any other place in Canada. That’s because they secretly spike the liquid with moose piss and Everclear.
ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS:
The only thing the Jets are better at than anyone is identity theft.